I haven’t done any research to substantiate this claim, but I would wager that the top two New Year’s resolutions are to get in shape and lose weight. How else can you explain why the gym turns into a madhouse and picking out good produce becomes a full contact sport in January? People decide that they are going to make being healthy a priority. I have to admit, I’ve fallen into that trap on more than one occasion. I can’t tell you how many times I have had “eat healthier” or “cook more meals at home” as a goal for the year. Like almost everybody else, I last until February . . . if I’m lucky.

This year, I am not including anything about food or eating in my goals for the year. So there! I would love to say that this is because I already eat immaculately healthy or that I have transcended into some higher realm of zen about food. I haven’t. I don’t even know if that’s a thing, but it sounds good. Either way, I haven’t. The ugly truth of the matter is that I have no goals about food, because I don’t really get any choices about food. I have to spend the first 10 months of the year on an elimination diet. My system has gone so haywire, that anything and everything is making me feel sick and when we ran blood tests I tested positive for sensitivities for more foods then I can count.

So the question became, am I actually sensitive/allergic to all of those foods? Or is my system really so out of whack that I’m testing sensitive/allergic to foods simply because I eat them a lot? Lucky me, the only sure fire way to find out is by doing an elimination diet. Essentially, for three weeks I have to avoid ALL foods that I have ever tested sensitive to, or had documented issues with. Apparently, this is the body’s equivalent to a reset button. Then, starting week 4, I get to introduce one food back into my diet per week. If I have a reaction to the food, it stays on the no list. If I don’t have a reaction to the food, I move it to the maybe list and keep a food journal of how I feel every time I eat it for a couple of weeks. If I stay symptom free, then I can move it to the yes list! This will be exciting, because right now my yes list is very short and my no list is very long. Hence needing to stay on this diet until October to get through all of the new “no” foods. And mind you, I’m not actually going to test all of the foods on my list. I’ve lived 33 years without eating duck, I’m sure I can survive the rest of my life without eating it. I also don’t like grapefruit, so why bother testing to see if I can. Those can stay on the no list. Other things, like coffee and garlic and coffee and sugar cane and coffee most definitely NEED to be tested. I will give you one guess as to which food is going to be tested first.

I would love to say that I am looking forward to exploring these foods to find a healthier me and have a great attitude about the whole thing. That would be lying. I have been bitching about this for weeks now – I was supposed to start in the middle of November, but decided that I didn’t really need to ruin my holidays – and I don’t foresee the bitching stopping any time soon. In fact, I foresee a marked increase in bitching. I also see a marked increase in homicidal tendencies. Did I mention that I tested sensitive to coffee? COFFEE!!! Which means that starting on Sunday I will not get to have a cup of coffee until February. FEBRUARY PEOPLE!!! I’ve done a test run today. I skipped my coffee and have had nothing but green tea. At the moment, I want to weep openly while punching someone in the face. Unless of course that person had a cup of coffee for me. In which case I’m pretty sure that I would weep openly while kissing them on the mouth. These are not normal behaviors, but alas, here I am. Consider yourselves warned people. 2016 may just become the year of the food-crazed-hysterical rant.