Unlike a lot of people who stay away from big bad gluten because they’ve heard how horrible it is for them, I have a legitimate reason to avoid gluten like the plague. I have Celiac disease, which was actually diagnosed by a doctor. Crazy, I know. Celiac is an autoimmune disorder, meaning that every time I eat gluten my body starts to attack itself. Again, crazy, I know. As this concept is pretty foreign to anyone who doesn’t have firsthand experience with auto-immune disorders, I get asked all the time what exactly happens when I do eat gluten. So, since I am just getting over such an incident, I figured I would take the time to lay out what happens when I ingest gluten. Now keep in mind, the symptoms can be different for each person, and mine were exacerbated this time around by the fact that I had dental work done, but you’ll get a pretty good idea why I have absolutely no temptation to ever eat anything with gluten in it. Not even a bite. Or a taste. Therefore, to be clear, I didn’t knowingly eat gluten. I didn’t enjoy a bite of awesome chocolate cake or something similar. Instead, food that I ate had been cross-contaminated with it. Meaning, something that had gluten in it, touched the food I ate and left a residue of gluten behind. That’s all it took. A residue. So here’s the break-down of a gluten reaction.

• Day 1 Night – ate food that had been cross contaminated with gluten.
• Day 2 Morning – arrived at the dentist for a filling at 6:30. All went as expected, with the dentist following the strict procedures necessary to accommodate my allergies.
• Day 2 @ 2:00 – I finally have full feeling back in my face, which is extremely odd, as I’m allergic to Novocain, and the alternative they use wears off much faster. In the past I’ve had to ask for an additional shot in the middle of a procedure because it was wearing off. It has NEVER taken more than an hour to wear off completely. On top of being numb for over 7 hours, my cheek is incredibly inflamed.
• Day 2 Night – I don’t feel well, almost flu-like, and go to bed uncharacteristically early.
• Day 3 Morning – my face is still swollen from the dental work, and it progressively gets worse as the day goes on. I start to freak out that the dentist used something I’m allergic too and I’m having a reaction.
• Day 3 Afternoon – I go back to the dentist. She doesn’t think it’s an allergic reaction, but tells me to take some Benadryl just in case. She can see that I did bite my cheek, which isn’t surprising since I was numb for 7 hours. This baffles her as much as it did me.
• Day 3 Night – I again don’t feel well and go to bed uncharacteristically early. As my mouth is still swollen and itchy I take 2 Benadryl.
• Day 4 Morning – I wake up and it looks like somebody has punched me in the face. I am swollen all over, and I have now broken out in hives. Joyous! I call in to work and say that I’m going to be late. I also notice that my abdomen is distended by about 4 inches. That’s when the shoe drops. I’m not having an allergic reaction, I’m having a gluten reaction. My autoimmune disorder has kicked in and because of the trauma of the dental work, my entire body is freaking out and reacting to anything foreign as an enemy combatant. Great. At this point, my only recourse is to stay hydrated, rest as much as possible and wait it out, because, like the Benadryl, anything I take to treat symptoms will exacerbate the issue.
• Day 4 Afternoon – I can’t stand it anymore and take some Ibuprofen in the hope that it will get the inflammation down in my cheek. It actually works. Whoo-hoo!
• Day 5 Afternoon – I realize that my large intestine has stopped working. I’m not entirely sure when this happened, probably at some point while I was asleep the night before.
• Day 6 – I’m fatigued and my large intestine still isn’t working. Other than that, feeling pretty normal.
• Day 7 Afternoon – my large intestine starts working again . . . with no warning . . .  while I’m in Malibu . . . an hour from home . . .  CONTENT DELETED FOR THE SAKE OF OUR READERSHIP. I get home, and spend the rest of the day in bed with horrible cramps.
• Day 8 Morning – cramps are gone, but now it’s coming out the other end. I’m horribly fatigued and nauseous. Call out from work. Spend the majority of the day in bed.
• Day 8 Late Afternoon – I start to feel like myself again.
• Day 9 – Nauseous, but so far so good. Still overly cautious, sticking close to a restroom, and hoping that I don’t run into anybody who is sick as my immune system is compromised at the moment. If I could get myself a bubble, I would.

• Day 10 – For the most part, back to normal.

So to answer the question that invariably gets asked, no, I never have any desire to cheat and eat some gluten. This is what happens when I get cross-contamination. I’m fairly certain that “just a bite” would send me to the hospital.