For all those that know me, I’m sure you’re surprised that this hasn’t come up before. Well the wait is over, because here it is: a blog about poop. So if that is the sort of thing that upsets your delicate sensibilities – my sister – I suggest that you skip over this post and read some of the poetry below. I promise, they are poop free. For all the rest, forge on my friends.
I just finished a cleanse (or a flush, or a detox, or whatever you crazy kids are calling it now a days). I didn’t do this to lose weight, or because it’s a great fad or anything like that. I did it, because after being on and off again sick for four months a malaise seemed to have settled over my body and I felt like I was just full of gunk that would not, could not go away. Therefore, flush it out! I’ve never done this before because I have three diseases/disorders of the digestive track. So to say that I have a sensitive tummy is the understatement of the year! So I tend to avoid anything and everything that puts undo stress on my already precarious digestive system. But I was at the end of my rope and was willing to try anything to lift this fog that I had been living under so I threw caution to the wind and gave it a try.
For the first few days I thought that I was going to die! Holy crap did I feel horrible! It was like I had a little mini flu that I’d given to myself. I didn’t feel better, I felt much, MUCH worse. But the instructions said that that might happen, so lord knows why, I kept going. Probably because I was too weak and delirious to do anything else. Then on about the fourth day, something magical happened. I took the biggest dump that I have ever taken in my entire life. It was epic. It was more satisfying than some of the sex that I’ve had – which seriously calls into question some of my life choices, but that’s a conundrum for another day. After that, I felt better and finished out the cleanse . . . and did lots more pooping.
That’s when I deduced that cleanse/flush/detox all mean “poop until your insides are on the outside” in Latin. Trust me on this, I looked it up.* I mean seriously, this is definitely the part of cleanses that they DO NOT advertise about. I can understand why, but a little warning would have been nice! Or at least the advice to stick Tolstoy’s War and Peace in the bathroom. I’m pretty sure I could have busted through that tome.
The one thing that I can’t quite wrap my head around though, is that people do these all of the time. I know someone who “cleanses” twice a year. Good grief! Don’t get me wrong, I felt better afterwards and the fog has cleared, but that is not something that I want to do again anytime soon. So here is the question to all of my “cleanse” friends – Is this really what cleansing is all about, and if so why do you like it so much? Maybe you all appreciate a good poop more than I do.
*Definitely didn’t look it up.