I present to you the inner monologue of a writer while meeting a friend for coffee who was given new pages to read earlier in the week.
Friend (F): Hi!
Writer (W): Hi! How are you?
Inner Monologue (IM): So what’d you think?
F: I’m really good. You?
IM: Who cares, what’d you think?
W: I’m good, kind of exhausted today. Coffee?
IM: Brilliant move! Of course she’s not gonna talk about it in line, get the coffee and sit down first.
F: Definitely.
IM: Wait, why wouldn’t she want to talk about it in line?
F: Did you see? I sent you that invite on Facebook?
IM: She didn’t like it. That’s why she hasn’t said anything!
W: No, not yet. I haven’t been online today.
IM: Oh God! She hates it!
F: I think the date should work for . . . wah wah wah wah. Wah wah wah.
IM: She wants me to be sitting down when she breaks it to me.
F: Wah wah wah wah. Wah wah wah wah wah.
IM: She’s going to tell me that I have a better chance of becoming a professional under-water-basket-weaver, than a professional writer.
F: Wah wah wah wah. Wah wah wah.
IM: And in a Starbucks!
F: Wah wah. Wah wah wah.
IM: Well at least I didn’t quit my day job.
F: Wah wah wah wah, are you listening?
W: What? Oh, yeah, uh-huh.
IM: Way to pay attention jackass! Now you’re gonna be a crappy writer with no friends!
F: Wah wah wah wah. Wah wah wah wah wah. Wah wah wah wah.
IM: This is so not fair! Just tell what you thought. Tell me that it was horrible or whatever. I can take it. Just tell me something!
F: Wah wah wah wah. Wah wah wah.
IM: A word or two. That’s all I need.
F: Wah wah wah wah. Wah wah wah wah.
IM: Just ask her. Drop it into the conversation.
F: Wah wah wah wah wah wah. Wah wah.
IM: Casually, like, “Yeah, that’s horrible about your uncle, but what did you think about the piece I sent you?”
F: Wah wah wah wah. Wah wah wah.
IM: Wait, uncle? Crap! I have no idea what she’s talking about.
F: Wah wah wah wah wah wah. Wah wah wah.
IM: I thought we were talking about an invite, what’s this about an uncle?
F: Wah wah wah wah wah wah. Wah wah wah.
IM: What? Focus!
F: Wah wah wah wah wah. Wah wah wah wah. Wah wah wah wah wah. Wah wah wah wah.
IM: Oh my god! You are my best friend and I love you, but it’s been over 48 hours since I sent you the new pages without a word from you about them. So unless your uncle’s leg fell off and the doctors reattached it using only chopsticks so that they could make it into the Guinness Book of World Records for “Most Unnecessarily Complicated Surgery” I’m not going to be able to focus on A THING YOU ARE SAYING! I AM THE WORLD’S CRAPPIEST WRITER AND THE WORLD’S CRAPPIEST FRIEND!
F: Oh, so I read your piece.
IM: Play it cool.
W: Oh, really. What’d you think?
IM: What if she hated it? What if she loved it? What if it was just okay? Argh! *flinches*
F: I loved it. It was amazing!
IM: * sigh * I knew that.
W: Thanks!
