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Author, Historian, Storyteller

I Am . . .

PoetryLeave a comment
perseverance by noisecraft

perseverance by noisecraft

I am confused
I wonder about the significance of idiotic things
I hear my inner voice
I see myself
I want to see myself clearly
I am self-conscious

I pretend to be perfect
I feel like I am perfect
I touch the outer limits
I worry that I’ve gone too far
I cry because I know I haven’t gone far enough
I am not perfect

I understand that I have to live for myself alone
I say that I can’t
I dream that I can
I try to live each day to the fullest
I hope to never miss an opportunity
I am trying

Born Under Different Moons

Love, PoetryLeave a comment

We were born under different moons,
Yet met early in life.
We were destined to be friends,
Though friends was not close enough.
My twin you’ll always be,
Joined by one heart beating for two.
One brain sharing the same thoughts.
You’re my better half when clouds fill my days,
My conscience when judgment slips,
My advocate and  sounding board.
My comrade in arms,
Companion in all,
Confidant.
In your embrace the world disappears.
All my sorrows, for just one moment, slip away.
You become the sunshine.
That ray of hope shining through that promises better days.
Until they come you let me dance in your glory,
When they come, you share in mine.
Someone to skip in the street,
Play at the beach,
Or simply share a bottle of wine.
Someone who doesn’t keep score,
But is sure that you are winning when you’re down,
And losing when you get a little too cocky.
Someone who knows all the stories,
And can’t wait to hear the ones yet to come.
Even when apart, together,
If only in thought.
Only a phone away, a short journey away.
The strength of love making the distance short.
The light of the same moon making the distance vanish, and with that love and that moon a promise is made.
In your darkest hour
When life doesn’t have a purpose
Remember this:
Live for me,
For I cannot live my life without you.
And to you I say the same:
In my darkest hour,
I’ll remember you
And live another day.

Best-Friend1

I Am . . .

Life, PoetryLeave a comment

I am in transition.
I wonder if I can make it through.
I hear my thoughts of self-doubt, but
I see myself succeeding.
I want to see more.
I am selfish.

I pretend that I am renowned.
I feel important.
I touch people’s lives.
I worry about nothing.
I cry rarely.
I am a powerful woman.

I understand that I need to stop day dreaming.
I say I will.
I dream more.
I try to figure out ways to make my dreams real.
I hope that I will amount to something.
I am ready to move forward.

Day Dreamer

Fall and Recover

Depression, PoetryLeave a comment

The Fall

I stand atop my hill,
Though not triumphantly.
I stand.
I await.
I await a battle that always comes, but seems impossible to win.
The battle begins, slowly at first.
A harsh word,
Stare,
Or sometimes it only takes a silence to cause me to slide down my hill.
But I fight, and I struggle to regain the top.
I claw and bite and kick.
Anything to keep me from sliding backwards into the dark abyss.
But I don’t win.
By the end of the day every step forward I’ve taken, I’ve fallen back three.
Before long I’ve assumed a continual descent.
Not quietly though.
I grab for every branch, no matter how small.
I scream for help.
Yet nobody hears me. The branches eventually break.
Quickly my descent becomes more and more rapid,
Until the hill is gone.
I fall backwards screaming and kicking into my own dark abyss.
Suddenly I hit the bottom with all the force of a cosmic explosion that no one feels but me.
I weep uncontrollably.
I curl myself into a ball and weep for no reason.
When I am through, I fall into a slumber greater than that of the Beauty.
Slowly I feel myself lifted, as if on a heavenly cloud escorted by a band of angels.
They lift me heaven-ward and deposit me back on my hill.
Where I will awake, once more, to fight my demons.

 

The Recovery

I stand upon my hill.
I fell like every time before,
But this time I did not fight.
I did not struggle.
I did not claw, bite and kick.
I allowed the branches to whiz by,
And I allowed the silence to remain untouched by my screams.
By not fighting I finally won the battle.
I learned something,
My demons inhabited the corners of my mind, and my mind alone.
By denying the fight they had grown to cherish, I denied their existence,
And they disappeared.
When I hit the bottom, it was with a whimper.
However, this time I did not curl up and weep.
I did not give in to the peaceful slumber.
I got up and sent the angels back from where they came.
I got up and climbed,
Hand over hand.
Every slip renewed my strength and conviction that I was going to reach the top.
This time on my own terms.
Exhausted, battered and bruised I reached the peak as the fiery sun crested the ridge.
But I did not need the sun.
For the power that was granted to me through victory out shown even the brightest star.
I finally stood atop my hill, triumphant.
Weary, but too proud to sleep.

That Moment

, , Life, PoetryLeave a comment

That moment when everything seems to be coming and going all at once and no matter how hard you try you can’t grab hold. Can’t get in, can’t slow down, can’t make sense.

Moment

That moment when responsibilities and commitments and desires turn huge and looming and threaten to crash in all around on top of you. Holding you back, holding you down, holding you from peace.

That moment when you realize that words are lost, thoughts are lost, all that is left is feeling. A feeling that you can’t express. Can’t quantify, can’t qualify, can’t decipher.

That moment when you give up and just be, letting the world sing on around you watching it swirl indecipherably by. Give up control, give up your plans, give up

That moment when you realize that you’ve been pushing and striving in the wrong direction for the wrong things. Which is why you can’t breathe, can’t scream, can’t cry for help.

That moment when you finally breathe deep and shed the bonds of should have, would have, need to. Breathe deeply to stop the swirling, stop the chaos, stop the world.

That moment when slowly gingerly you take hold once more. Find your grasp, find your footing, find your path.

That moment when you realize that that path leads straight up. Out of the milieu, out of the stress, out of the noise.

That moment when you find yourself above.

Stumble Forward

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The clouds have cleared the horizon

No sign is left of them or the sorrow they brought.

But an apprehension remains,
A hesitation,
As is always the case when facing something new.
Or is it really being faced?
Am I standing proud ready to face the world?
Or am I standing on top of the world with my eyes closed,
Clamped down tight
Facing the future, but refusing to see it?
Is that the way it should be?
Maybe man was meant to stumble through life blindly.
In the dark
Trusting to faith
The only decision given us, is the direction we take.
I choose to stumble forward.

Time to Pause

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I saw a spider this morning while washing the dishes.

I had my shoe half off when something made me pause.
Some force, some hesitation. I took the time to pause.
Within that pause I saw something that I had never taken the time to see before.
That spider wasn’t invading my home,
He was making one of his own.
Nimbly he swung from one surface to the next.
His silvery, oh so faint, thread swaying in the breeze like a road map of sorts.
Each thread showing where he’d been and where he’d arrived
Until there were so many, that here and there became indistinguishable,
And all merely existed for the one common goal and destination.
To live.
To exist.
To have a place where you belong.
A place called home.
I slipped my shoe back on and returned to my chore,
Only this time I felt the warmth of the water,
The slip of the soap,
The edge of the knife with it’s brilliant point.
I took the time to pause.

Spider-web-1

She

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With a screaming shriek she prances scantily clothed among the dark bone chilling mounds of white

Gleefully she sprays armfuls of the tiny crystals into the thick foreboding night
Intoxicated with joy she collapses to the hardened ground emitting a truly orgasmic melody issuing forth from the very depths of her soul
No more starving and pining by the phone
No more analyzing every word, every gesture, every silence for meaning that was never there
A rebirth has occurred that has both set her free and imprisoned her for eternity
She is complete without him

She can never be complete with him

Snowy Night

See Me as Whole

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I come to you and lose myself in your arms’ strong embrace.

Causing my inexperienced heart to quicken its pace.

The walls enclosing me collapse and I am exposed, fractured and aching.

Frightened I meet your gaze, feeling my resolve breaking.

Holding my breath, knowing what’s to follow I brace for your reproach.

But you hold me firm; you are not scared or repulsed.

Instead your fingers slowly investigate and your lips caress each scar,

Amazed by the beauty of someone who’s come so far.

You are the one I was afraid to wish for, the balm of Gilead, the salve to my soul,

I come to you broken; yet you see me as whole.

Rhythm

PoetryLeave a comment

There is a certain rhythm to life

A way things work

I have ten minutes till class

And a long distance to go

But I’m not worried

The rest of the world matches my pace

They too are in a hurry

Before my eyes people cross and wind around each other

Never bumping, never disturbing

It’s like a beautiful dance played before me everyday

Now it’s my turn to dance

I turn right just one step before that energetic blond girl continues straight behind me

She’d be quite beautiful, striking really, except for her habit of chewing her face while walking

I think it’s a nervous habit

She must be very nervous

I continue on in my new direction

A step faster, but so is everyone else

I’m almost there

I see the steps ahead of me

For every step up hunchback boy takes one down

It’s like the changing of the guards

Me for him

I often wonder how he knows where he’s going

He never looks up and his shoulders are so slumped to the sidewalk that his book bag very much resembles a hump

I wonder what pain and suffering he has endured

The thought passes and into class I go

I sit as the lecture begins

Everything in order

Everything right

 

Today my rhythm is off

Everyone’s rhythm is off

I have eight minutes instead of ten

I quicken my pace

But everyone else is a step behind

I try to weave in and out

But that slows me further

I discover that the beautiful dance I enjoy so much is actually a living, breathing being that traps all in its expanding and contracting

I bump shoulders and trip

Wildly I break right, eager for the quickened pace, running right into chewing face girl

Picking myself up, I apologize continuing on

Although, now in my daze, I’m a step behind

I struggle to keep up

Finally I see my steps and break free

Although my hunchback has long since gone

How did the guards change without me?

Did someone take my place,

Or did he just abandon his post with no sign of relief?

Shaken I enter the lecture hall

The lesson has begun

My seat is taken

I spot one

In the middle

I hate making a scene, but I must

Or go home

Scuse me, scuse me, pardon me

I sit

All eyes on me

The world is out of

Its rhythm