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Author, Historian, Storyteller

Humor, Life, Top TenLeave a comment

Over the years, I have discovered that I have 10 stages of being sick. No matter what I do, no matter how much I try to break the cycle, when the whole thing is said and done, I’ve gone through these 10 stages.

 

1 – Hint – I get an inkling that something might be coming on. Maybe I have a tickle in my throat, or I’m achy. Something clues me in that something is amuck.

2 – Blatant Refusal – I declare to my body that it is not allowed to get sick! I have XYZ to get done, and So-and-So coming into town to visit. I am far too important and busy to get sick.

3 – Clarity – I realize that I may be too busy to get sick, but I’m definitely not too important. (Not that I think that matters.) So I shove every herbal preventative remedy I can get my hands on into my mouth. Vitamin C, Echinacea, zinc, chicken soup, you name it, I take it!

Captain Strong

4 – Triumph – Take that you stupid cold, my symptoms have abated and I have won! I am superior to your puny germy cells. Who’s your daddy?

5 – Hubris – Once the universe finishes laughing, it bitch slaps me off my feet and I become a sniffling, wheezing, coughing, disease-ridden mass of fever.

6 – Disgruntled Acceptance of Defeat – I begrudgingly accept defeat and drag myself into a doctor to discover that I have something fun like bronchitis, sinus and ear infections, or mono. Good times.

Eddie Izzard

7 – Slow March – I retreat to my couch to snuggle with my dogs, consume large amounts of drugs and juice and binge watch Netflix while the conga-line of germs in my body slowly dies away.

8 – Health – Yes! I’m feeling better! Back to normal life and doing normal things and feeling normal!

9 – Psych! – Nope. Just kidding. That was a fluke. Back to the couch.

10 – Actual Health – Am I really feeling better? Really? I’ll dip my toe in to test the waters . . . after this next episode . . . yeah, one more episode and I’ll be better . . .

 

I’m on #7 at the moment. Anyone up for an episode of Blue Bloods?

Top TenLeave a comment

By now we all know that California is in the midst of a really horrible drought. So I have come up with 10 ways that I can help conserve water.

  1. Instead of using water, I will have the dogs pre-rinse all of the dishes.
  2. In fact, I’ll just bypass the dishes completely and start getting take-out.
  3. I will intentionally stop watering the plants – I definitely won’t forget and then realize they are dead a few weeks later.
  4. I will sleep in and skip my shower every other day. This is definitely an intentional choice and not just me sleeping through my alarm.
  5. All bathing, that I am up in time for, will be done in sprinklers from here on out. In fact, in order to avoid being arrested for indecent exposure, this is also how I will be doing my laundry.
  6. To reduce my laundry needs, instead of going out, I will stay in. Fewer clothes to wash.
  7. In fact, I believe I will institute a “No Pants” rule at my house to cut down on laundry further.
  8. Actually, instead of doing any laundry I’ll just buy more clothes.
  9. I will stop washing my car . . . or, continue to not wash my car.
  10. Instead of drinking water, I will be switching to wine and hard cider exclusively.

savewater-drinkwine

 

 

In all seriousness though, PlanetSave has some great ways that you can actually conserve water.

Top TenView all 2 comments
  1. Putting your hair up in a ponytail should involve hazard pay as you snap at least 1 rubber band a week.
  2. An up-do for a formal event requires an entire pack of bobby pins, and you’ll still be finding them in your hair a week later.
  3. You warn every hair dresser that you have really thick hair, and about five minutes after they’ve started they exclaim, “Good lord, you really do have a lot of hair.”
  4. You have to go to a new hairdresser every time because after the first visit they charge you extra to cut your hair, and double to dye it.
  5. When your shampoo and conditioner go on sale you empty the shelf, because you go through that stuff like Kleenex during allergy season.
  6. You’ve lost track of how many blow dryers you’ve burned out.
  7. You’ve ever lost 5 or more pounds when you went from long hair to a bob cut.
  8. You’ve discovered that you have too much hair to pull off a bob cut. Instead of being cute, it looks like you have a helmet on, at all times.
  9. You’ve ever pulled your hair up while outside during a snowstorm because you got too hot.
  10. You ever went as Cousin It for Halloween and didn’t have to wear a wig.

Cousin It

Live and Learn, Top TenView all 4 comments
  1. TrueTwit Validation – Seriously. Do you really get so many spam accounts trying to follow you that you need people to validate that they’re human? Not to mention, who cares if they follow you? Don’t follow back or lock your account, problem solved.
  2. Listing Your Twitter Stats – “4 New Followers, 8 Mentions, 13K Mention Reach, 8 Replies.” FYI – nobody cares.

Annoyed

  1. Offers to Buy Followers – Number 1, maybe it’s just me, but the thought of buying Twitter followers just strikes me as kinda pathetic. Number 2, your pitch would be more convincing if you had more than 183 followers yourself.
  2. Asking me to retweet – If you want me to retweet your stuff, get to know me first or provide eye-catching content. Although if you were doing the latter you wouldn’t need to ask for the retweets in the first place.
  3. Asking me to retweet without following me first – Now you’ve gone from tacky to downright rude. If you want me to do you a favor, at least follow and interact with my content first. It’s very sad that your brother is dying of cancer and needs money to pay the bills. However, I don’t know you from the man in the moon, therefore, I’m not going to retweet what could very well be a scam to all of the people who have followed me.
  4. Get Openly Pissed-Off When People Don’t Favorite or Retweet Your Posts – In my mind this is the equivalent of running to mommy because the kids on the playground are ignoring you. Some tweets will be popular, some won’t. That’s the nature of the game. If you want better interaction, invest your time in developing a following that is tailored to your interests.
  5. Pitching – If I walked up to you at a party and said hi, would you immediately try to sell me on your book/blog/podcast/business? No, we would get to know each other first. Twitter should be the same way. If I get a DM seconds after following you that pitches something you do, chances are the only action that that DM will inspire me to do, is unfollow you.

Auto DM

  1. Book Marketing ad nauseam – there is nothing that makes me hit the unfollow button faster than looking at my feed and seeing that it is flooded by someone obnoxiously marketing their book, or retweeting dozens of other people’s book marketing posts. If I wanted ads, I would watch TV. The rule of thumb that I’ve heard, and agree with, is that only 1 out of every 7 posts should be marketing. So if you want to tweet 10 marketing posts every day, than you’d better come up with 70 other tweets (articles of interest, funny quips, pictures, retweets of a non-promotional nature, anything that isn’t selling a product!) to mix in and break it up.
  2. Picking Fights – It’s a big world, there is no way that we’re all going to get along and agree on all topics. However, doing searches on topics you feel strongly about, and then picking fights with people you’ve never interacted with before is shady and uncalled for. I don’t seek you out to rain on your parade, so don’t come rain on mine. It’s just gonna get you blocked!
  3. #FF – Friday Follows are great, but when you put the hashtag followed by 12 people with no explanation of why they should be followed it’s just obnoxious. Especially when the other 11 people mentioned all favorite and retweet the post which clogs up my notifications feed all day.

 

So there you have it, my biggest Twitter pet peeves. If I’ve unfollowed you, it’s probably because you did one of the above . . . or I hit the wrong button . . .

Life, Top TenLeave a comment

We just had a nasty hot spell, complete with extreme heat advisories, which caused me to say some odd things. Here are the top ten:

  1. When did we move to Arizona?
  2. I don’t care if I have to sell a kidney to pay the bill, I am not turning the AC off.
  3. We’re only allowed to eat cold food or take out, because running the microwave and the AC at the same time flips a breaker. And don’t you dare even think about turning on the oven!
  4. Yes! I’m gonna take a cold shower!
  5. Go outside? You’re funny! Not a chance in hell.

Corn_Popcorn

  1. Don’t touch me, nobody touch me, it’s too hot!
  2. Yes, I was planning on spending the evening moaning on the floor in front of the fan. Why do you ask?
  3. Well this is just stupid hot!
  4. Whatever food we don’t eat is getting tossed, because I’m hanging out in the fridge today.
  5. No, I’m not wearing pants, and you can’t make me!

 

In case you all didn’t notice, I tend to whine when I’m hot . . .

Humor, Top TenLeave a comment

1. The thought of eating ethnic food you’ve never tried before makes you break out in a cold sweat. Actually the thought of eating anything new makes you break out in a cold sweat.

2. You’ve lost track of how many times you’ve had to employ the courtesy flush more than once in a sitting. See #1

3. You will eat the same thing every day for a month with no complaints, because your IBS isn’t acting up and you don’t dare rock the boat. See #2

4. Going from trim to muffin-top back to trim over the course of an afternoon isn’t disconcerting, it’s just a day of the week that ends in Y.

5. You’ve come to accept that a bad IBS day during allergy season means that you’re staying within 10 yards of a restroom. At. All. Times.

IBS6. Conversations about poop don’t strike you as odd. In fact you find it a little bit odd when you realize that some of your friends don’t talk about poop at all, and you have a special bonding moment when your new-mother friends realize that they have someone to talk about poop with.

7. You are familiar with every homeopathic and OTC “tummy fix” and are secretly, or sometimes openly, annoyed when someone offers you one that isn’t your preferred brand.

8. You know that if you ever get appendicitis you’ll probably die because you won’t realize that that pain isn’t your normal pain/cramps/malaise until too late.

9. You play the “Is it worth it?” game with at least one dish at every buffet, BBQ and party you go to. Sometimes it’s totally worth it, other times you rue the day you were born.

10. You’ve perfected the art of farting in public . . . because it happens . . . a lot.

fart fish