Jump to content

Author, Historian, Storyteller

LifeView all 3 comments

I am usually pretty good about not comparing my problems with others or vice-versa. Just because one person’s “worst day ever” wouldn’t even make my top ten list, does not diminish the fact that they are having a really hard time. That being said, I do believe I have hit the end of my rope. My co-worker, after complaining that her dogs kept her up, saw me trying to relieve the pressure in my sinuses by pressing on pressure points and she said, “I know exactly how you feel.”

She knows exactly how I feel. Really? Really!?!?!?! She is so tired that she can hardly sit up because she has mono? She’s in pain every time she breathes because her cough has aggravated her rib injury? She has toxic stomach because stress has triggered her IBS? She is completely heartbroken because her aunt was just diagnosed with pancreatic cancer? She has been so stressed out by watching a family member deal with her own worst nightmare, that she, herself,  has been sick on and off for an entire year? Really? She also has all of that going on too? Because if she is simply referring to the fact that she’s tired and has a sinus headache and that is how she knows “exactly how I feel” I swear to God I’m going to punch her in the face!

No! She does not know how I feel. Because despite the fact, that she knows about everything going on in my life right now, she hasn’t made the slightest effort to actually understand how I feel. To sit here and watch the people that I love fall sick with serious and life-threatening illnesses  and then feel like a complete fraud because I’m “sick too.” Because I have an auto-immune disorder that normally is controlled through diet and isn’t a big deal at all, but because of large amounts of stress it’s been exacerbated and therefore every virus I’ve ever contracted is coming back to haunt me with a vengeance. So yes, I am sick, but I’m not sick like them, so who am I to complain? Unlike them, I can get better, and I will get better . . . eventually.

So I’ve been listening to Christmas music. Yes, I know that it’s not even Thanksgiving yet, but Christmas makes me happy, and at this point, that is really all that I care about. Except that it’s not working. You see I love Christmas, but not because of warm happy memories. In contrast, my grandmother died a couple of days after Christmas when I was a kid. When I was twenty I spent the holiday checking to see if my mother was still breathing, because her DNR was signed and we were pretty much just waiting for her to die. A few years later a short, but damaging, verbal altercation took place on Christmas day itself that forever changed my family dynamic. The first Christmas memories that pop into my head are not necessarily happy ones.

But several years ago, I decided that I was reclaiming the holiday. That I wanted to see the magic of the season, feel the warmth of goodwill toward men and all of the other junk, and that no one could take that away from me. So I go overboard. I watch Christmas movies until I’m blue in the face. I decorate every available inch of my apartment, not even the puggles are spared. There’s Christmas music, presents under the tree and, now that I live in SoCal, a trip to Disneyland to see all of the glitz and get “snowed on” after the fireworks show.

40056-Disneyland-Christmas

I love Christmas and December has become my favorite month. But standing here on the corner of Overwhelmed and Hurting not even the Chipmunks singing, “All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth” can lift my spirits. Instead it’s simply acting like a pillow to the melancholy that is already surrounding my heart. I can’t decide if I need to openly weep, drink a couple of bottles of wine and pass out, or hit something over and over again until my hand breaks . . . maybe all of the above . . . although I’ll probably skip the hand breaking bit . . . okay, I’ll skip the wine too.

I know that I will be up again. I always rise, people seem to point that out to me quite a bit, so it must be true. But for right now, I need a moment of being down. A moment to let my guard slip, let the smile fall from my face as my shoulders slump, and just sit and be broken. Not trying to fix anything, or make anything better. A moment to acknowledge the breaks and let them ache for a spell. Let them make me aware of where I will need to rebuild. But not now. For right now, just sit. Be broken.

Thanks for sitting with me.

LifeView all 3 comments

You know you have mono when:

  • You have perfected the art of curling up and sleeping in your car.
  • Outfits for the day are passed over if you can’t comfortably lay down for a quick nap without changing first.

You know you have mono when:

  • You learn to sleep sitting up at your desk so you can catch a couple extra zz’s.
  • You can drink an espresso in the afternoon and still feel the need to lay down and sleep until tomorrow.

You know you have mono when:

  • You’re sleeping more than your 8 year old dogs.
  • You start watching the dogs to discover the best places to nap during the day to optimize darkness, traffic, temperature, etc.

You know you have mono when:

  • Waking up from a nap makes you so tired that you need another nap.
  • A new fuzzy blanket sounds better than a trip to Disneyland.

You know you have mono when:

  • On a good day you feel like throwing a temper tantrum because you don’t wanna take another nap!
  • You realize that skipping your nap yesterday is the reason that you can hardly sit up today.

You know you have mono when:

  • The only thing you can think about is when you get to sleep again.
  • You’re even blogging about sleeping.

Pugs Napping

Depression, Happiness, LifeOne comment so far

Life is too short for maybes and what-ifs. It is too short for tomorrows and some days. For mincing of words and holding of tongues.

Life is too short to let work rule your life. It is too short to put off happiness. To wait just one more day to follow your dreams.

Life is too short to spend it with people who aren’t as amazing as you are. It is too short to spend it with those who suck your energy and time. Those who kick you when you’re down.

Life is too short to obsess over every ounce, every blemish. It is too short to fixate on things that are out of your control. To hide because you don’t like the way that you look.

Life is too short for complaints and whining. It is too short for worrying about what other people say. For focusing on anything but the positive.

Life is too short.

Shawshank

Inspiration, LifeView all 5 comments

This is apparently my week to contemplate moods. A friend of mine asked me yesterday, in all earnestness, how she could snap out of her bad mood. Without a moment’s hesitation I shot back at her a smart ass response of:

“Decide to be in a good mood.”

At the time, I had definitely intended that remark to be sarcastic, but in retrospect, the advice is sound. How do you get out of a bad mood? You stop being in a bad mood. I think it’s actually that simple. Instead of focusing on what is wrong about today, instead of focusing on who is to blame, instead of being hard on yourself, you can choose to focus on something else. I truly feel that whatever you chose to focus on, will determine your mood. It’s really hard to be in a bad mood when you’re thinking about happy things. Focus on how good your coffee tastes. Focus on, and congratulate yourself on, the cute outfit you put together. Focus on the positives of the task you’re working on and all of the things you’ve already completed, and I truly believe that you can walk out of a shit-storm clean. You just have to make the choice to focus your brain on the positives in your life and let the negatives roll off your back. Which is much easier said than done.

I tend to find humor is just about everything. So much so, that I have had the comment made in my general direction that I was being inappropriate. Have you ever noticed how people who make judgments like that will rarely say it to your face, but always say it to someone else in a way that you are sure to hear? Drives me nuts! At any rate, I try to find the humor no matter how bleak the situation. There are times when the proverbial last straw fell so long ago that the poor camel has been in traction for months, yet more straw comes down. There are times when you have battled through so much and overcome so many obstacles, yet your path is still blocked. In these times you are faced with two choices: you can either laugh or cry. I don’t know about you, but I’ve done enough crying. So I choose to laugh.

Kermit

I choose to laugh in the darkest of moments, the hardest of places. It might be bittersweet, but it’s laughter. So why can’t I do the same on a day to day basis? When my day sucks, when everything seems to be working against me and I’m tired and worn out, who’s to say that I can’t laugh? That I can’t stare down the crappiness and proclaim that I will not let it get the best of me. Not today! That I am going to smile and I am going to find something good to fixate on. To cling to like a buoy in the ocean if I have to, but I’m going to stop feeling sorry for myself. Because in most cases, that is really what is at the root of a bad mood. I wasn’t treated the way that I would like to be treated. I didn’t get what I wanted. I have to do something that I don’t want to do. I am being kept from my true calling, and so I am going to feel sorry for myself. Pity party, table of one. My bad mood and I will each have a glass of wine so that we can stew in our stupor of self-righteous indignation.

Now don’t get me wrong. There are times when it is justified and you truly have been treated like crap, and taken advantage of and been kept from your dreams. However, even in those instances, you don’t have to stay there. You can get up and leave and choose to be somewhere else. I need to work on that. I need to remember to keep choosing to be somewhere better. I need to choose to laugh more often. I think we all do.

Humor, LifeLeave a comment

A co-worker just asked me how I was today and I expressed to him that I was kind of in a bad mood. At which point he shook his head and said,

“Well you know, Mercury is in retrograde, so that’s to be expected.” mercury-retrograde-sign

Now I will admit that I enjoy reading my horoscope from time to time. I’ve had my birth chart (or whatever it’s called) done and got a kick out of looking at it. I am not, however, what you would call new-agey. I don’t rely on the stars or psychics or astrologers to tell my future . . . or even to make decisions for that matter. And normally a comment about Mercury being in retrograde would have shot right past me and I wouldn’t have given it a second thought. That didn’t happen today. Probably because I’m in a bad mood.

However, in the interest of work place harmony, I smiled and nodded until he walked away. So you my friends, get the rant that was intended for his new-agey, Mercury in retrograde ass. I apologize ahead of time for the language.

WTF?!?!? What does that even mean, and why would the planetary alignment of Mercury have anything to do with me? No don’t answer, I don’t want to know! Maybe Mercury’s alignment has absolutely nothing to do with my bad mood. Maybe it’s because I haven’t gotten a good night’s sleep in over a week. Or maybe it’s because I had a bunch of blood drawn this morning and now I’m anemic and have a headache. Maybe it’s just because you looked at me funny. Or maybe it’s because I just finished doing a week of positivity on Facebook and this is the only mood left after being little Miss Mary Fucking Sunshine for seven days.

Perhaps it’s because my audio book hasn’t arrived at the library yet, so I’ve been forced to listen to the crap LA radio while on my commute for the past four days. Or because the five-hour energy that my other co-worker gave me has now made me so buzzed that we could have an earthquake and I don’t think I’d notice. Maybe it’s because it’s now getting darker in the evenings and by the time I walk my dogs when I get home it’s dark. Maybe it’s because right now in the office it’s too hot to put on a sweater, but too cold to leave one off so between the chills and the sweats I now feel menopausal. Speaking of which, maybe I’m just PMSing and a cocktail and chocolate cake would make everything better. MAYBE IT’S BECAUSE I DO NOT HAVE EITHER A COCKTAIL OR A CHOCOLATE CAKE!

Maybe it’s because my Pandora Broadway Shows station keeps playing big bands from the 1930’s instead of show tunes, which just makes me want to have a cocktail even more. Maybe it is any or all of these things that is contributing to me being in a bad mood, which has absolutely nothing to do with Mercury being in retrograde! Maybe I am in charge of my own moods and I’m choosing to be in a bad mood. Have you ever thought of that?!?!?!

Mercury Cartoon

Huh? Well that’s kind of stupid. If I choose my own moods, why I would choose to be in a bad mood. That seems like a waste of time. Maybe I should change my mood then. And maybe look up what the heck Mercury in retrograde means.

I’d still like a cocktail and some chocolate cake though . . . if anybody wants to hook me up with that . . .

Happiness, Life, PermissionOne comment so far

Sometimes we have to be reminded that not all ailments can be seen from the outside. That the people with the biggest smiles are often the ones who are hurting the most. Sometimes we have to be reminded that if we are the ones hurting the most, we do not have to bear that pain alone. That we are not a burden. Sometimes we have to be reminded that someone shares our story. That someone has walked in our shoes and knows the weight of our soul. Sometimes we have to be reminded that sharing our traumas does not necessarily mean a transfer of pain. That the sharing can create a lightness for all involved.

Sometimes we have to be reminded that we are not alone. That we have people by our side to catch us if we fall. Sometimes we have to be reminded that the people by our side are not always the ones we think. That love and support can come from unlikely places. Sometimes we have to be reminded that we do not support the world’s weight. That we can stop and take a break without guilt. Sometimes we have to be reminded that taking care of ourselves first is smart, not selfish. That it’s okay to do something that benefits only us. Sometimes we have to be reminded that saying no to one thing is like saying yes to everything. That just because a ball is thrown our way, does not mean that we have to play catch.

Sometimes we have to be reminded that a smile goes a lot farther than a frown. That just because we are surrounded by miserable people, does not mean that we have to be miserable too. Sometimes we have to be reminded that misery loves company. That miserable people, at times, will try to drag us down. Sometimes we have to be reminded that it is our choice if they succeed or fail. That no one but us, gets to determine our happiness. Sometimes we have to be reminded that we get to choose who gets our time and our love. That that time and love should be reciprocated or it is not deserved.

Sometimes we have to be reminded that doing what is best for us, might mean leaving somebody else behind. That we are not in charge of saving everyone. Sometimes we have to be reminded that we can’t save anyone. That they have to save themselves. Sometimes we have to be reminded that showing someone the tools to save themselves is the most precious gift we can give. That confidence is not born from handouts and unearned victories. Sometimes we have to be reminded that life is full of little victories. That each and every one deserves a celebration. Sometimes we have to be reminded that life is full of ups and downs but we only get the one. That that one life is better lived focusing on the ups and surrounding ourselves by those who will celebrate with us.

Sometimes we have to be reminded.

reminder

Life, Top TenLeave a comment

We just had a nasty hot spell, complete with extreme heat advisories, which caused me to say some odd things. Here are the top ten:

  1. When did we move to Arizona?
  2. I don’t care if I have to sell a kidney to pay the bill, I am not turning the AC off.
  3. We’re only allowed to eat cold food or take out, because running the microwave and the AC at the same time flips a breaker. And don’t you dare even think about turning on the oven!
  4. Yes! I’m gonna take a cold shower!
  5. Go outside? You’re funny! Not a chance in hell.

Corn_Popcorn

  1. Don’t touch me, nobody touch me, it’s too hot!
  2. Yes, I was planning on spending the evening moaning on the floor in front of the fan. Why do you ask?
  3. Well this is just stupid hot!
  4. Whatever food we don’t eat is getting tossed, because I’m hanging out in the fridge today.
  5. No, I’m not wearing pants, and you can’t make me!

 

In case you all didn’t notice, I tend to whine when I’m hot . . .

Life, PoetryLeave a comment

I am in transition.
I wonder if I can make it through.
I hear my thoughts of self-doubt, but
I see myself succeeding.
I want to see more.
I am selfish.

I pretend that I am renowned.
I feel important.
I touch people’s lives.
I worry about nothing.
I cry rarely.
I am a powerful woman.

I understand that I need to stop day dreaming.
I say I will.
I dream more.
I try to figure out ways to make my dreams real.
I hope that I will amount to something.
I am ready to move forward.

Day Dreamer

LifeOne comment so far

Last night I was exhausted. To tell the truth I was exhausted all day yesterday, but I knew that if I went to bed without showering that I would have to get up all that much earlier the next morning to shower and then dry my hair. Groaning and complaining to myself about my need to “be clean” and “professional looking” at work, I got in the shower. So there I was exhausted, dripping wet with face wash lathered all over my face when I looked slightly up and right as I was closing my eyes to stick my face under the flow of water, what did I see? A spider. A spider descending from the ceiling to land directly on my head.

Now, I am usually pretty ambivalent towards spiders. If it’s not poisonous or dirtying up my apartment with cobwebs than I say live and let live. If it gets near the floor then it’s probably a goner because Zoey likes to chase and eat them. But hey, natural selection. This is usually my attitude toward spiders. However, when one of them descends from the ceiling and lands in my hair while I’m trying to shower, well then that is a whole different ball game my friend! I AM NOT A FAN OF THAT!

I found myself, under the spray of water making the face wash drip all over the place, which meant that I had more soap than eyeballs in my eye sockets and a spider in my hair. Have you ever tried to do the “HOLY GOD THERE’S A SPIDER ON ME, GET IT OFF, GET IT OFF!!!” dance while in the shower? It’s harder than it sounds, because let’s face it, quickly moving your feet around while in a wet bathtub is just gonna lead to you slip and break your neck, especially when you have your eyes closed because they’re full of soap and stinging like nobody’s business!

spider3

I am a problem solver though, so I made do. I maniacally broke into the “HOLY GOD THERE’S A SPIDER ON ME, GET IT OFF, GET IT OFF!!!” dance without moving my feet, while keeping my face under the water in a vain attempt to rinse out my eyes. Truth be told I am amazed that I didn’t throw out my back. While flailing about I smacked my elbow on the wall, tore down the curtain and practically ripped out half of my hair trying to find the spider in it. Meanwhile the puggles had run in, because clearly from the sounds emanating from the bathroom a deranged serial killer must have snuck in and was in the process of ax murdering me. Instead of finding a serial killer, they found me, standing in a bathtub with no curtain, frantically switching between trying to rinse a spider out of my hair and clear the soap out of my eyes.

In typical Bubba fashion he joined me in the shower, leaving me with not only a wet bathroom, but a wet dog as well. Joyous.

Oh, and what happened to the spider you ask? He might have gotten away and went back to all of his spider buddies to tell the tale of the crazy wet woman who had a seizure. Or he might still be in my hair. Hell if I know. I’m going to have nightmares for weeks. It’s gonna be a long day.

Fathers, Life, Live and LearnLeave a comment

Growing up it was a rare occurrence to see my father truly upset or mad. It’s true that my sister and I were better behaved than most kids – that tends to happen when you have to start helping care for your mother by the time you’re eight – but we were not angels, and there were plenty of opportunities for dad to get upset with us. Despite this, he would rarely get mad. One day, after doing something that I was sure would result in at least a few fireworks, and getting none, I actually asked him why he didn’t get upset more often. After all, my friends talked about their parents blowing gaskets on a regular basis. Then my dad said something that has stuck with me ever since. He said, “Kid, there are better things to get upset about in this life than (insert whatever dumb but inane thing I had done).”

There are better things to get upset about.

How simple, yet profound is that statement. Think about all of the things that you got upset about in the past week, the past month. How many of them, in retrospect, weren’t really that big of a deal? I’m gonna guess most of them. That’s at least what I discovered when I really started looking at the things that I got upset about. So I stopped. Now don’t get me wrong, I have my moments and I’ve definitely gotten upset with people, but years later, I find that like my father, it takes a lot to get me truly upset or mad. I’ve learned that I have better things to expend my energy on. I choose my battles. However, what I’ve recently come to discover is that it really goes beyond choosing your own battles because when you get upset you’re actually choosing a battle for someone else as well.

'If you want to yell at our service agent because you're a frustrated psycho who has no say at home or work, and want to take it out on others, press 1.'

I work with a couple of people who get upset about everything, and I mean everything! We’re talking if somebody moves their lunch from one side of the fridge to the other on the wrong day then somebody is getting yelled at, and not necessarily the person who moved the lunch. I’ve seen it time and time again and what I’ve noticed is that it becomes this horrible chain reaction. Person 1 gets pissed off so they yell at Person 2. Person 2 is now upset because they were yelled at, so they take it out on Person 3. Person 3 is now in a bad mood so they take it out on Person 4, etc. It keeps going until somebody finally takes the abuse, but instead of passing it on, they let it roll off their shoulders and they greet the next person they see with a smile instead of a frown. It keeps going until somebody finally realizes that they didn’t do anything wrong, that the other person is having some sort of an issue. It keeps going until someone decides that there are better things to get upset about. But who knows how many people have been negatively affected by the time you get to that last person who chooses to let that battle pass them by.

Think about it, how many times have you been around someone who gets upset at everything and then watched as that ire is passed on to someone else. It’s like a virus and I’ve realized that I’ve come to a point in my life that I don’t have time for people like that. I realize that there are better things to get upset about than the ordinary idiocy of everyday life, and with that I realize that there are better people to spend my time with than those who get worked up over the smallest infraction. I guess I feel like life is too short to be mad all day.