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Author, Historian, Storyteller

LifeLeave a comment

I have lived in my current apartment for almost 4 years now, and whenever I am gone, my two dogs get blocked into the kitchen. Before this year, you could count on one hand the number of times that they escaped and ran amok in the rest of the apartment. This year, however, is a totally different story. I’m pretty sure there have been weeks where they escaped on more days than they stayed put. Especially my girl, Zoey. I have no idea what has changed and try as I might to improve the blockade, the damn dog keeps getting out.

I have gone through over 10 gate/blockage variations this year and she has managed to slip every single one of them. Currently I have an $80 gate, made out of steel, attached to the door jamb with two inch screws that requires both hands and my foot pushing up to get it open. I HAVE TROUBLE OPENING THIS DAMN THING! When home, I also have to prop it open as it swings shut on its own. It doesn’t latch, but it does rest in the closed position. Therefore, whenever one of the dogs pushes it open to get a drink of water they become stuck in the kitchen until I come and swing the gate open to let them out. Despite this, Zoey has now gotten out twice. No, she hasn’t jumped over it, somehow that damn dog has figured out how to unlatch and open it. HOW?!?!?!? She is apparently incapable of pawing it open while I am home and it is unlatched. However, should I properly secure it and leave … no problemo! She’s out and digging through my laundry hamper in ten seconds flat.

Nice things

I even tried securing the gate closed with a strap. On the outside, ie the side of the gate that she is not on. She chewed through it. She somehow managed to reach through the bars of the gate to chew the strap in two. And this isn’t the first casualty! Over the course of this year she has chewed up a basket, a box, a bookshelf, a folding card table, and two wooden gates in her quest to escape the kitchen. The other day I noticed that she is now missing a front tooth. Gee, I wonder how that happened?

The only plus side to this new gate set-up, is that when she gets out her brother is able to get out too. Previous gate incarnations resulted in her escaping, but due to her brother’s much larger girth, he was stuck in the kitchen, where he proceeded to howl and cry until somebody came to his rescue. At least this way they’re both out . . . and running amok . . . how is this the positive side? At any rate, the strap that she chewed through has now been replaced with steel wire. Get through that you little brat! In the event that she does get through that, there can only be one logical conclusion: my dog has been possessed by the restless spirit of Houdini. In which case, I’m screwed.

Priest

Change, Happiness, Live and Learn, WritingLeave a comment

While at a dinner party this past weekend, a friend and I got talking about the basic principle that you catch more flies with honey than vinegar. In essence you can get more by being nice instead of an asshole. Then this turned to our observations that here in LA that when you treat some people with respect – namely those in the customer service industry – they are taken aback because the gesture is so completely unfamiliar to them. Both of us found this mind-boggling. I mean we’ve both seen it enough that we weren’t blown away by its existence, but just by the sheer fact that there are so many people out there who operate on a daily basis with such vitriol. Neither of us could understand that. I still don’t. Life is so much better when you surround yourself and work with kind people.

Kindness

Then as if the universe were sending me a test, I woke up the next morning and checked my email to find a rather disquieting message. Before heading out to the dinner party the day before I had sent several messages to publicists to try to get a better idea of what a publicity campaign for a book launch would not only look like, but cost. At first I was thrilled to see that I already had a response from the publicist that had looked the most promising to me. However, when I opened the email, I found this first paragraph:

“You’ve told me absolutely nothing about your novel other than its historical fiction due out in October. So I visited your website and there’s nothing there either. There’s really nothing to chat about at this point. It’s like sending a resume with no information about your job history and wanting to talk to an employer about hiring you. Maybe I missed something on your website but I looked around and could not find a link about your book. If your book is due out in October, now is the time to be contacting reviewers and bloggers. So not only should you be hiring a publicist now, your blog/website should have a lot of information about your book.”

Right off the bat, I had several concerns.

  1. I have no idea how she meant it, but it came across to me as confrontational, which I did not appreciate.
  2. The resume bit – last I checked I was looking to HIRE someone to fulfill a service for ME. I wasn’t aware that I needed to sharpen up my interview skills and prove myself worthy.
  3. If I’m looking to hire a publicist, then one might assume that I don’t know enough about publicity to run my own campaign. Therefore, how would I know that I already need info about the book on my website and that I need to be connecting with reviewers right now?
  4. “So not only should you be hiring a publicist now,” – that’s what I’m trying to do lady. Maybe give me some props for knowing that much?

Needless to say, I did not respond right away. To be completely honest, the email made me upset and I needed to cool down. Then an odd thing happened. I started to explain away and excuse her behavior. Maybe I should have included more information about my book in my initial email? Maybe finding a good publicist is competitive and I do need to compete for their business? Maybe I should have done more research on publicity before reaching out? Maybe I’m the one that screwed up in the exchange and her reaction was totally justified, after all according to her website she’s really good? Wait, what? I was actually thinking this shit! This person first made me upset, and then I made myself feel like I deserved it.

WT Actual F

How the hell did that happen? Wasn’t I just talking about how I didn’t understand behavior like this? Wasn’t I just talking about how I didn’t have room in my life for people that treated me this way? Aha! That’s when I had an epiphany. There are other publicists in the world, I don’t have to work with this woman if I don’t want to. I especially don’t have to pay her money to work with her. I don’t care how good she is, I don’t want to work with someone, or have them representing me, if they feel treating people in that way is acceptable. Not just acceptable, but a legitimate way to conduct business. No thank you. I can still learn from her – build out a page on my website for my book is now firmly on my to-do list – but I do not have to work with her.

It took me about a day and a half to figure this out, and shortly thereafter I received another email from her that was much less confrontational and asked question about my book and actually told me a little bit about what she does. In other words, this should have been the first email she had sent, and had I not had the epiphany, I probably would have written her back and had we wound up working together, the entire experience probably would have been like those first two emails, over and over again. Instead, I responded back to her that I had decided to go a different way with my publicity needs, and I thanked her for her time. Done and done and holy crap did I feel better afterwards.jerk whisperer

Not two hours later, I received an email from one of the other publicists I had contacted. Mind you, with the exact same minimal information as I had provided to this first lady. This new publicist’s email was warm and inviting, thanking me for my interest in their firm. She provided an attachment that detailed different book publicity packages that they offer and said that she looked forward to speaking with me and possibly reading my material in the future. Huh? The exact same information with two polar-opposite responses. Yep, I definitely made the right choice. Thank you universe for that affirmation. Needless to say, I’m talking with this second firm.

Surround yourself with honey, people. Life is too short for vinegar. Not to mention, vinegar has sulfites and I’m allergic to that shit.

Live and LearnLeave a comment

I have officially entered the self-sabotage phase of my creative process. It happens every time, and no matter how much I try to avoid it, or bypass it, I never succeed. Every project I work on, I will inevitably try my damnedest to derail all of my efforts. Even when I am aware that I am doing it, it’s really hard for me to stop.

Tinkerbell

I’ve been working nonstop for the past couple of months on new project, and it has been smooth sailing, not a road block in sight. Until last week when it occurred to me that this project is just a couple of steps away from transitioning from hypothetical to real-life. Cue self-sabotage in 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . .

Since I had that realization I haven’t even looked at my project, much less worked on it. Worse yet, I’ve been ignoring everything else too. Therefore everything is piling up around me, so when I do think about working the voice in my head so helpfully pops up to remind me that I still need to do my dishes, and vacuum, and the laundry, and balance my checkbook, and didn’t I want to plan a huge completely unrelated event that will take large amounts of time and effort? Then, instead of doing any of that, I wind up getting stressed out, plopping down on my couch and marathoning something on Netflix. I have seen more TV shows this way. It’s ridiculous!

So now I am in the spot of trying to break free from this procrastination-frozen-on-the-couch state and get back to getting things done. I’ve started by writing a blog post. Cross that off my to-do list and mark one up for actually getting something done today. Whoo! Now for something else simple . . . reorganize my to-do list . . . okay, that’s not actually on my list, but it’ll make me happy, so that next. After that, I’m gonna get ambitious and work on my website. Here we go!

wrong tree

Life, WritingLeave a comment

Sometimes I really think my brain is working against me. I will look at the projects laid out in front of me along with all of the other responsibilities I have and decide that I can’t take on anything more. There’s no way. Short of giving up sleep completely and starting to boil down coffee to inject directly into my veins like crack, it’s not an option. Then someone will mention something, like a show they’re producing of individual pieces that they think I would be great for and would I have any interest in getting involved.

Of course, my immediate reaction is, NO! Can’t do it, no way, no how, there are not enough hours in the day! I’d like to think that I’m a bit more politic when I respond out loud, but knowing me . . . probably not. Regardless, I say that I am flattered, but can’t participate at this time. All is well and good and I pay myself on the back for having the fortitude to say no when my plate is already full. Go me!

Or so I think. I can go a day or two, sometimes even a week without giving this opportunity another thought. But little do I know, that my subconscious is chugging away chewing over this offer and coming up with my own piece. This chugging goes along completely unnoticed until one night it pops up to the surface and the next thing I know it’s two in the morning and I have over five pages of material. Clearly my mouth said no, but my brain said yes.

Against Me

I now have a close to finished piece that would be perfect for my friend Michelle’s show Breaker/Broken, and I have to decide if I go with my initial gut response that I don’t have time for this, shelf the piece and move on with my other projects. Orrrrr, because it’s already mostly done, do I simply put in a few hours work to polish it off and do the show? Obviously I’m going to wind up choosing the latter, because it drives me nuts having something that is almost done lying around. And if I finish it, it would be silly not to do the show, so I might as well throw that onto my plate as well.

Thanks brain! You have officially lost your right to complain about being tired.

brain-and-pinky

Life, TheaterLeave a comment

For anyone who has an arts degree, especially in theater, you will get asked to explain what they are good for if you are no longer participating in that particular art form. I find that these questions generally come from people with MBA’s or MD’s or any of those other highly applicable acronyms. Chances are they chose that path for the practicability of finding a good paying job later in life. (For their sake, I hope that also enjoy it.) Because of this intense practicality, it is hard for some of them to wrap their heads around how a theater degree is even remotely useful. I know this, because I just spent half an hour trying to explain this to an accountant. She still doesn’t get it, but then again I don’t get why anyone would want to be an accountant, so fair play. At any rate, this list is for her. Five reasons my theater degree is useful, even though I am no longer doing theater.

wonka

  1. In acting classes you spend a lot of time discussing what tactics you can use for your scene, and switching up your tactics to see how it changes the scene, etc. Go figure, that shit is useful in real life. Without even consciously realizing that I’m doing it, when I’m faced with something that isn’t working I immediately start to think of different tactics to approach the issue. It’s not a problem, it’s a puzzle. Thank you Acting 101.
  2. Safety pins are god’s gift to clothing snafus. Seriously, I can temporarily fix almost anything that goes wrong with your clothing as long as I have safety pins. Gaff tape and a stapler help too, but the safety pins are key. Then when we get home, I can fix it for real. Tell me that that isn’t a handy skill. Get it? Handy . . . like hands . . . cause you use your hands to sew . . . never mind . . .
  3. Let’s talk about creative problem solving for a minute. When working in low-budget theater (for the record, about 95% of all theater is low-budget theater) we have to figure out how to create an entire world using nothing but what is lying around, supplemented by a budget that is often less than what some companies will spend on lunch. So yeah, I can figure out how to keep that hall door from slamming and interrupting the investor meeting within the next five minutes. It may not be pretty, but it will work. There’s a reason that my roommate calls me MacGyver.
  4. Time management, not a problem! When you’re taking a full load of classes, working part time and rehearsing a show you figure that out and quick! Otherwise you don’t get to do things like eat or sleep. Or you eat and sleep, but fail all of your classes. As neither of those are good options, you learn to manage your time. Notice how I didn’t mention missing rehearsal as an option? That’s because you get mad prioritizing skills too! Some things have leeway, while others do not. Being able to recognize the difference is key.
  5. I can receive constructive criticism without breaking down, because I received it on almost a daily basis while getting my degree. Trust me, if I can take a professor telling me that I was the “scariest Juliet” she’d ever seen, I think I’ll survive being told that I did a spreadsheet wrong.
Humor, LifeLeave a comment

Anybody that has food allergies or sensitivities is familiar with the trade-off game. The trade-off game happens whenever you see a food that you’re not supposed to eat, but it looks AMAZING. You then have to determine if the pleasure of eating that right now is a good enough trade off to warrant the after-effects of eating the food. Now there are some foods that under no circumstances could it possibly be worth it. I don’t care how good it looks, or how many yummy sounds the people around me are making, I will never knowingly eat gluten. It is NEVER worth it. Now dairy on the other hand . . . there are times that it is totally worth it. Or so Present Kat believes. This is generally how the conversation in my head goes:

 

PRESENT KAT: Oooooo! Let’s get gluten-free pizza for dinner!

FUTURE KAT: That’ll just make you feel sick tomorrow.

PRESENT KAT: No it won’t. I’ll take a Lactaid and be fine!

FUTURE KAT: That might help with the lactose, but you also can’t have the casein in the cheese either.

PRESENT KAT: Gotcha covered! I’ll take a casein supplement. All will be well.

FUTURE KAT: Even with both of those you’re still going to feel sick tomorrow.

PRESENT KAT: Nah, they’ll totally work. It’ll be fine. You’ll see!

FUTURE KAT: Have you learned nothing? You’re never fine, and you have a big day tomorrow.

PRESENT KAT: But I have a coupon!

FUTURE KAT: So?

PRESENT KAT: It’s for 20% off, but it’s only good for today. So really, it would be fiscally irresponsible not to get pizza.

FUTURE KAT: I’m fairly certain you are now arguing using nothing but sophistry.

PRESENT KAT: Whatever, It’s totally worth it. I’m getting pizza! It’ll be fine.

FUTURE KAT: I’m not so sure.

 

The next morning.

 

PRESENT KAT: Oh my god, I feel like crap. That was such a bad idea. Past Kat is an asshole.

FUTURE KAT: Told ya so.

Sophistry

HappinessLeave a comment

I have this co-worker who constantly complains about people leaving the kitchen “A Mess!” This can be anything from leaving the microwave door open, to leaving things on the counter, to spilling/dripping something on the counter/floor and leaving it there. There are two things about this that cracks me up. First, he’s not the one that has to clean it up. I am. Despite this, he’s the one that bitches about it, and he’s generally bitching about it to me. Good times, right! The second thing, is that he is guilty of doing all of these things himself. It cracks me up! I know that when people don’t like something about their own personalities, they usually nit-pick and hate it when other people do the same thing, but this is a little extreme.

Hypocrite

Yesterday I was eating my lunch in the kitchen when he came in to prepare his own and then returned to his office. He left the microwave door open, paper towels on the counter and the sink dripping. I can understand overlooking one of them, but all three? I put everything right, but I really wanted to leave it as is to see if he would complain about it later. Then I started to wonder if he walks into his own kitchen at home – he lives alone – and starts bitching about the fact that the microwave is open and there’s crap left out everywhere? He isn’t crazy or anything, but part of me thinks that he does. I really don’t think that this guy is happy unless he has something to bitch about.

As much as his behavior cracks me up, it also blows my mind. I really don’t understand how people can go through life focusing on solely the negative things. I don’t get it. This guy will consistently bitch about something he has to do for 5-10 minutes, and then I’ll suggest a solution that nets the same outcome, without having to do the action he didn’t like. Guess what? He will immediately say that he doesn’t really mind, he’s happy to do it and then he goes off and does whatever it is he was bitching about. Which begs the question – IF YOU DON’T MIND AND YOU’RE HAPPY TO DO IT, WHY ARE YOU BITCHING IN THE FIRST PLACE?!?!

Mind-Blown

Either it’s no big deal and you’re happy to do it, or it’s so horrible it’s worthy of complaining about. It can’t be both! Unless of course, you are simply complaining because that is the only way that you know how to interact with the world. That is a sad statement. I don’t know why, but I can’t seem to stop thinking about that, and paying close attention to my own reactions to things. I don’t think I really complain all that much – unless of course you include the thoughts in my head for the first hour or so after my alarm goes off. Although really that’s more whining than it is complaining and frankly I think it’s justified. If my body wanted to get up that early I wouldn’t need the alarm! At any rate, it might come across as naïve or sappy, but I’d rather go through life as Little Miss Mary Sunshine than a bitchy storm cloud.

WritingLeave a comment

According to the experts – which officially begs the question “How does one become an expert on blogging?” – to have a successful blog I should be blogging on a regular basis and have a consistent theme and message that is conveyed throughout all of my posts. I’ve got the regular basis down. Okay, I’ve mostly got the regular basis down. Okay, I think about blogging on a regular basis. That one could use some work, but I’m not going to focus on that right now because it needs a lot less work than the latter stipulation.

ExpertCartoon1

A consistent theme and message. I’m very consistent in the fact that I blog about whatever the hell is at the forefront of my brain at that particular moment. However, I don’t really think that is what they are talking about. Not to mention the only theme or message that would be conveyed is that I should probably be under the supervision of a shrink. But really, shouldn’t we all?

Anyway, I’ve been putting some serious thought toward this since the beginning of the year. I couldn’t come up with a message to save my life, so I decided to give the whole theme idea a go. I decided that I would do a different theme/topic every month to spice things up. Then I figured out what each of those would be for the entire year. For anyone who has been following me this year, don’t strain yourself trying to find those monthly themes . . . so far I have failed miserably at following them. If anything, instead of making blogging easier, it’s made it harder. I tend to look at my theme and instantly get writer’s block. At the beginning of this month, I looked up my predetermined theme – “New Beginnings” – and I’m still trying to figure out what I was smoking when I decided that was a good idea!

"Timing is everything. I recommend that you act now before the authorities discover I've escaped."

Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure that I have blogged about “New Beginnings” before. Probably more than once. But I’ll be damned if I’m going to be able to come up with a month’s worth of blog posts on that topic. Except for this one . . . I just realized that this post is most definitely about “New Beginnings” as it basically consists of my bitching about my well-intentioned plans, and then deciding to do something else. So other than today, I do not plan on following my themes anymore. Screw em!

I guess that means I need to come up with a message then . . . hmmm . . . maybe I should just come up with better themes. That sounds easier than a message . . .

Live and Learn, MothersView all 2 comments

I have never been a religious person. I would say that I have some spirituality in my life, but none of it is directed toward an organized religion. In contrast, I have spent the vast majority of my life vehemently anti-religious. Specifically towards Christianity. This is largely because my mother was a devout Christian, and despite this faith and devotion to her god, she was stricken with an absolutely god-awful disease. Despite her years of devotion and, I can only imagine, a multitude of prayers, she still withered away into nothing and died a slow and absolutely miserable death, after years of living in misery. Growing up with this constant reminder of the crappier side of life, made it next to impossible for my young mind to accept concepts like an “all knowing, all loving father.” I saw none of the purported love, and therefore couldn’t find the faith that others around me seemed to find so easily. Instead of faith, I found anger. Whether she was angry or not I don’t know, but I was mad at my mother’s god both for her and for me. Any god that would allow suffering like that in the world, was no god of mine. Therefore, I had no god.

In all honesty, I found much more sense in the Greek and the Roman gods. They were selfish, spiteful and vengeful. This behavior fit my life experiences much better than a Christian god. Even so, I was much too pragmatic to accept that canon. I was steadfastly non-religious and I wore my non-religiosity like a badge of honor. The faithful would try to convert me, so I would argue with the faithful and try to convert them to my way of thinking. I took great pride in shaking their faith. I know for a fact that I sent a couple of devotees to their priests for ecclesiastical clarification and reassurance. I quickly lost track of how many times I was told that someone was, “going to pray for me.” I am no longer proud of these actions, realizing that they were simply desperate attempts to release some of the boiling anger I had inside. It never worked.

goodwithoutgod

I’m sure that at this point, some of you are expecting me to announce that I have had some miraculous change of heart and have found god. Nope. That has not happened. In fact, when I first started seeing my current therapist she asked me if I wanted to address the obvious issues that I have with religion. I let her know that under no uncertain terms was I interested in doing that. Apparently that particular fire is what keeps me warm at night and I can’t address it without fear of freezing in the dark. She acknowledged my wishes and we moved on to other topics. After all, I was suffering from PTSD at the time, we had PLENTY of other things to deal with. However, once we got that in hand, she questioned my spirituality, and how I maintained that if I didn’t have a god or larger entity of any sort. No judgement, just curiosity. This conversation ended in her recommending a book to me – Autobiography of a Yogi.

I think she wanted to expose me to a non-Christian faith, and journey to find faith. I have finally gotten around to reading this book, and in all honesty, my bullshit meter has been going off a lot! Especially all of the instances where he talks about his guru divinely healing someone, or meditating to find a cure to an ailment. I’m sorry, I don’t care how long I meditate, or who puts their hands on me and wishes me well, if I eat a bunch of bread I’m going to wind up in the hospital. No amount of wishing or believing is going to change that, just like no amount of wishing or believing could change my mother’s life. Until I see it with my own eyes, I will never be able to accept that tenet regardless of what religion you’re talking about. I can’t take that leap of faith. I don’t have it in me.

bth_bullshit-meter-011

I did not find this surprising. Either the presence of healing stories within the book, or my inability to accept them as true. What did surprise me, is that early on in the book the Yogi, on more than one occasion, refers to a Christ-like disciple. At first, my hackles went up. What was Christ doing in my Hindu book?!? I kept going. The next thing I know, the book is discussing Genesis and Adam and Eve in both the Christian sense and the Hindu sense. I have actually lost track of all of the Biblical references in this book about a Yogi. Color me flabbergasted! Not only did this Yogi read the Bible, he was encouraged to study and learn from it by his guru. He obviously was not encouraged to become a Christian, but that didn’t stop him from studying what they had to say. The next thing that I knew, I was following along and I was interested. For the first time that I can remember, I was thinking about Christianity and I wasn’t mad. Huh? I still don’t believe in god, and I still have absolutely no faith in divine healing, but for the first time I can feel some of that anger slipping away. Who knows, maybe that is divine healing?

Humor, Life, Top TenLeave a comment

Over the years, I have discovered that I have 10 stages of being sick. No matter what I do, no matter how much I try to break the cycle, when the whole thing is said and done, I’ve gone through these 10 stages.

 

1 – Hint – I get an inkling that something might be coming on. Maybe I have a tickle in my throat, or I’m achy. Something clues me in that something is amuck.

2 – Blatant Refusal – I declare to my body that it is not allowed to get sick! I have XYZ to get done, and So-and-So coming into town to visit. I am far too important and busy to get sick.

3 – Clarity – I realize that I may be too busy to get sick, but I’m definitely not too important. (Not that I think that matters.) So I shove every herbal preventative remedy I can get my hands on into my mouth. Vitamin C, Echinacea, zinc, chicken soup, you name it, I take it!

Captain Strong

4 – Triumph – Take that you stupid cold, my symptoms have abated and I have won! I am superior to your puny germy cells. Who’s your daddy?

5 – Hubris – Once the universe finishes laughing, it bitch slaps me off my feet and I become a sniffling, wheezing, coughing, disease-ridden mass of fever.

6 – Disgruntled Acceptance of Defeat – I begrudgingly accept defeat and drag myself into a doctor to discover that I have something fun like bronchitis, sinus and ear infections, or mono. Good times.

Eddie Izzard

7 – Slow March – I retreat to my couch to snuggle with my dogs, consume large amounts of drugs and juice and binge watch Netflix while the conga-line of germs in my body slowly dies away.

8 – Health – Yes! I’m feeling better! Back to normal life and doing normal things and feeling normal!

9 – Psych! – Nope. Just kidding. That was a fluke. Back to the couch.

10 – Actual Health – Am I really feeling better? Really? I’ll dip my toe in to test the waters . . . after this next episode . . . yeah, one more episode and I’ll be better . . .

 

I’m on #7 at the moment. Anyone up for an episode of Blue Bloods?