I am a pain in the butt to feed. Not because I am a picky eater, but because I have severe reactions to a LOT of different foods. The easy ones to talk about are dairy and gluten, but then there’s a whole slew of fruits and vegetables as well. Needless to say, the thought of trying new dishes or going to a dinner party makes me break out into a cold sweat. And a cook who uses “Secret Ingredients” are the bane of my existence. I’ve lost track of how many times I’ve had someone let me look at a recipe or labels, ascertain that I can eat something, then as I’m taking the first bite they remember their “secret ingredient,” which inevitably will have gluten in it making it necessary for me to spit out my half masticated bite and then rush to the bathroom to rinse out my mouth. It’s good times.

Side note – Most Worcestershire sauce, which seems to be the “secret ingredient” for about 95% of all people, contains gluten. So make sure you speak up about that one!

I know what you’re probably thinking, why don’t I just make sure everyone knows about my food restrictions, or simply always bring my own food. While the second option would indeed be smart, and much safer, let’s face it, I’m not that organized. Okay, I’m totally that organized, I’m just too lazy. Not to mention it’s really nice to have a meal that you didn’t prepare every once in a while. As for the other option, the only way for that to be successful is if you make a BIG deal out of it. Which again is safer, but I hate, loath and despise that tactic. I have also lost count of how many times a BIG deal has been made at a restaurant or dinner party, which results in the entire group at the table staring at me and then for the next half hour discussing my food restrictions and what happens if I eat those foods. Which I HATE for a number of reasons. I understand that people are curious, but would you like to openly discuss your medical history in front of a group of people that you may only know as acquaintances? People wonder why I’m so comfortable talking about poop. It’s because I’m forced to do it on a regular basis! News flash! If someone has digestive issues, then at least one of the symptoms is going to be poop related. So if you ask, you’re not allowed to get affronted!

However, the biggest reason, is because from that point on, I am now known as the woman who can’t eat anything. I have actually had people introduce me and instead of saying that I’m a writer, or a dog owner, they’ll announce that I have Celiac disease. Or am lactose intolerant, or that I’m “allergic to everything.” Which sucks! I don’t enjoy being known for my deficits. I don’t know anybody that does, or people would go around introducing themselves like, “Hi! I’m Jane. I failed out of college the first time that I went.” That’s ridiculous! And don’t get me wrong, I have no problems discussing these issues with people I know, because I understand that they care and if they’re going to be spending time with me, they want to help keep me safe. But it’s not the first conversation that I want to have with someone that I’ve just met.

Therefore, I have come up with a new game plan. I am going to a dinner party this weekend, which I was invited to by a friend. Therefore, I don’t know the hostess or anyone other than my friend. The exact situation that makes me break out in a cold sweat. So instead, I had my friend get me in touch with the hostess so that I could write her a quick note. I told her that I have a bunch of food restrictions, but that she should not feel any pressure whatsoever to cater to them. (Yet another thing I’ve lost track of, is how many times people have tried really hard to provide food that I CAN eat, but missed the mark just enough so that I can’t eat it. When I tell them I can’t try it, they inevitably get really frustrated. Sometimes with me, but usually just in general. Either way, it’s not a fun moment.) Then I explained that my friend and I were bringing a dish, so I would for sure have something to eat and then I could just pick and choose amongst whatever else was there. I gave her my list of most common “offenders” and said that I would be more than happy to look at recipes/labels if she wanted to make sure she had something for me. But again, not necessary. I am very low-maintenance in my high-maintenance-ness.

She got back to me right away, thanking me for letting her know and included the ingredients for a recipe that she said she would throw in if it worked for me. It does – lentil bruschetta with rice crackers, which also sounds amazing! So for the first time, probably ever, I’m actually looking forward to a dinner party, composed of entirely new people. It’s kind of awesome.