I am what you would call a competitive person. I like to be first, or the best, whether we’re talking about who has the lowest grocery bill or who finishes a task first. I compete everywhere and with everything, even if the competition is only against myself. In fact, I’ve learned over the years that most people don’t like to compete at everything, so I keep most of the competitions to myself. The last time that I went to the grocery store with someone, I totally won the lowest bill competition. He doesn’t know that I won, because he didn’t know that we were playing. But I know, and that’s all that counts. So it is with great humility that I concede openly, that I DO NOT, repeat DO NOT want to win if my current situation is a competition. I personally haven’t been viewing it as a competition, but my body seems to have been playing the one-up game with illness all year. So I am stating loud and clear, right now – do you hear me body? – that I concede the one-up game and I no longer want to play.

So far this year I have had: 2 ear infections, 3 sinus infections, extensive dental work, a cancer scare, a hormonal imbalance, an H. Pylori infection, panic attacks, costochondritis and now mono. Not to mention the cold that is going around my office right now as the cherry on top. On the one hand – well done me. That is quite the impressive line-up. But on the other, logical, non-crazy hand – good lord, give me a break and let me be healthy for two consecutive days! I really don’t think that that is too much to ask!

So in that vein, I am putting my competitive side on the back burner and declaring that I do not want to win this competition. ‘A’ for effort, good show, but I’m throwing in the towel. But I guess that means that I’m hoping that someone else’s health is worse than mine, so that they can win the competition. That’s not very nice. I really wouldn’t wish that on anybody. Okay, new plan . . .

I win!

Mono plus a cold takes the cake, the gold medal and the chicken dinner. You win body. You have accumulated the weirdest collection of ailments and put everybody else to shame. You happy now? Good! Now can we stop please? I’m sick and tired . . . literally. To celebrate my win, I’m going to take a nap.