A co-worker just asked me how I was today and I expressed to him that I was kind of in a bad mood. At which point he shook his head and said,

“Well you know, Mercury is in retrograde, so that’s to be expected.” 

Now I will admit that I enjoy reading my horoscope from time to time. I’ve had my birth chart (or whatever it’s called) done and got a kick out of looking at it. I am not, however, what you would call new-agey. I don’t rely on the stars or psychics or astrologers to tell my future . . . or even to make decisions for that matter. And normally a comment about Mercury being in retrograde would have shot right past me and I wouldn’t have given it a second thought. That didn’t happen today. Probably because I’m in a bad mood.

However, in the interest of work place harmony, I smiled and nodded until he walked away. So you my friends, get the rant that was intended for his new-agey, Mercury in retrograde ass. I apologize ahead of time for the language.

WTF?!?!? What does that even mean, and why would the planetary alignment of Mercury have anything to do with me? No don’t answer, I don’t want to know! Maybe Mercury’s alignment has absolutely nothing to do with my bad mood. Maybe it’s because I haven’t gotten a good night’s sleep in over a week. Or maybe it’s because I had a bunch of blood drawn this morning and now I’m anemic and have a headache. Maybe it’s just because you looked at me funny. Or maybe it’s because I just finished doing a week of positivity on Facebook and this is the only mood left after being little Miss Mary Fucking Sunshine for seven days.

Perhaps it’s because my audio book hasn’t arrived at the library yet, so I’ve been forced to listen to the crap LA radio while on my commute for the past four days. Or because the five-hour energy that my other co-worker gave me has now made me so buzzed that we could have an earthquake and I don’t think I’d notice. Maybe it’s because it’s now getting darker in the evenings and by the time I walk my dogs when I get home it’s dark. Maybe it’s because right now in the office it’s too hot to put on a sweater, but too cold to leave one off so between the chills and the sweats I now feel menopausal. Speaking of which, maybe I’m just PMSing and a cocktail and chocolate cake would make everything better. MAYBE IT’S BECAUSE I DO NOT HAVE EITHER A COCKTAIL OR A CHOCOLATE CAKE!

Maybe it’s because my Pandora Broadway Shows station keeps playing big bands from the 1930’s instead of show tunes, which just makes me want to have a cocktail even more. Maybe it is any or all of these things that is contributing to me being in a bad mood, which has absolutely nothing to do with Mercury being in retrograde! Maybe I am in charge of my own moods and I’m choosing to be in a bad mood. Have you ever thought of that?!?!?!

Huh? Well that’s kind of stupid. If I choose my own moods, why I would choose to be in a bad mood. That seems like a waste of time. Maybe I should change my mood then. And maybe look up what the heck Mercury in retrograde means.

I’d still like a cocktail and some chocolate cake though . . . if anybody wants to hook me up with that . . .