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Archives for April 2014

Stumble Forward

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The clouds have cleared the horizon

No sign is left of them or the sorrow they brought.

But an apprehension remains,
A hesitation,
As is always the case when facing something new.
Or is it really being faced?
Am I standing proud ready to face the world?
Or am I standing on top of the world with my eyes closed,
Clamped down tight
Facing the future, but refusing to see it?
Is that the way it should be?
Maybe man was meant to stumble through life blindly.
In the dark
Trusting to faith
The only decision given us, is the direction we take.
I choose to stumble forward.

They’re All Gonna Laugh at You

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I take great pleasure in the fact that I can make people laugh. The more they laugh, the more I want them to keep laughing, so I keep cracking jokes. More than one person has asked me if I do stand-up. That’s on the bucket-list. Until then I keep my act much more spontaneous with smaller audiences. I think I’ve always been so drawn to laughter because of the power it has. Laughter is therapeutic, contagious and can diffuse some of the tensest situations. I definitely use laughter as a self defense mechanism. If a mood is too dour, or a conversation begins to drift into unwanted territory there’s nothing like laughter to distract and redirect the focus. My particular brand of comedy is self-deprecating. I generally make fun of myself or my situation . . . or word play, which I’m sure is a huge shock to everyone.

I credit the development of this particular brand of comedy to my father. He is very clever and gets seemingly endless joy from jerking people’s chains. Well as an inquisitive child I would bombard him with questions about anything and everything. Most of the time the teacher in him would come out and I would get a detailed answer. Generally much more detailed than I was actually interested in. However, every now and then, when the mood would strike him, he would answer questions like this:

Kat: Why is the sky blue?

Dad: Because it would look weird green.

Kat: What does the ‘H’ stand for in Jesus H. Christ?

Dad: Henry.

No hesitation, nothing but confidence. Then he would walk away or go back to doing whatever it was he was doing, conversation closed. Now is a good time to add that on top of being inquisitive, I was also very gullible. So I would believe him. After all, he was my dad and 98% of the time his answers were absolutely correct. However for that 2%, his answers were complete bunk and I was left to figure out which were which, and I did figure it out. Generally in a very public, loud fashion.

I have a very underdeveloped filter – okay, it’s not underdeveloped it’s overworked keeping me from swearing like a sailor at all times – which means that thoughts tend to jump straight out of my mouth. I don’t pull punches. I also say stupid things with full confidence because I learned them from a “reliable” source. So on more than one occasion growing up, I would announce things to a gathering of classmates like, “No, the ‘H’ stands for Henry. Jesus Henry Christ.”

Then they would all laugh at me.

You’re probably laughing at me right now. In retrospect, it’s pretty funny. So I was faced with a decision. I could either get really embarrassed, hate my life and slink away to hopefully never show my face again, or I could laugh with them. After a couple of these incidents it occurred to me that maybe this was my lot in life, so I should go with the flow. I started to laugh with them. That’s when I discovered that not only could I laugh with them, I could make them laugh more. I really liked that feeling. I could transform from the butt of the joke, to the joke, to the joker. It’s a powerful feeling, and there is nothing like the rush you get from brightening someone’s day and putting a smile on their face. I am completely addicted to it. They’re all gonna laugh at me, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Laugh

Judgey McJudgerson

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I didn’t realize it until later in life, but there were quite a few influential people in my childhood who spent a large amount of their time judging other people. Judgements like:

You’re fat, you must be lazy and not care about yourself.
You have tattoos, you must be a delinquent and do drugs
You’re children are running around the restaurant, you must be a bad parent
You didn’t go to college, you’ll never amount to anything

And so on and so forth. They had an opinion about everybody and everything and the good opinions were few and far between. So obviously, hearing this as a child I believed it to be true, and worse yet I learned that it was my job to pass judgement on other people as well. Which I did. However, as I got older and was exposed to more people with varying ways of thinking and approaching things, I discovered that this was not how everybody went through their days. There were actually people out there who would see people and instead of instantly leaping to what was “clearly” their shortcomings, they found something good in the person. Or gave them the benefit of the doubt if they were acting poorly. I instantly liked this way of thinking much better and felt uncomfortable and mean whenever my brain would automatically start judging people.

So I began to attempt to change the way that my brain thought. If I saw someone that was out running but going really slow, I would instantly say to myself, “With how slow you’re going, why are you even running, just walk and stop pretending.” Then I would feel bad that I had thought. Then, for the first time in my life, I would actually let myself feel bad instead of squashing that emotion down. Then I would correct myself and say, “No matter how slow they’re going, at least they’re trying. Good for them!” Despite the fact that no one else knew that these thoughts were going through my head the very act of calling myself out on it and consciously changing my thought made me feel better. After a while I started to get better at this, but every so often there would be a bad day and the judgments would come out in full force. By the end of the day I would feel dirty inside and not like who I was. So then I would spend the next couple of days trying to repair the damage.

It was like a constant war going on in my head. I’m sure that at times I must have either looked like I was completely crazy, or that I had a migraine because I was so busy arguing with myself. Luckily, most of this was going on in high school and at that point I was so depressed that if I wasn’t actively engaged in school, work or theater I was usually alone. Actually, now that I think about it, that probably made it worse . . .

Any who, it’s been a battle that I’ve fought for a long time, and I’m now almost exclusively on the winning side. I find that I’m happier when I look for the good in people instead of the bad. However, I slip up some days more than others and Judgey McJudgerson rears her ugly head. That’s what I call her. I imagine she looks something like this.

Judgey

Recently I’ve discovered a pattern for when I slip up the most. Whenever I’m feeling bad about myself, Judgey McJudgerson has a lot to say. A LOT! It’s almost as if she pops up to put everyone around me down in order to make me feel better. Why do we do that? Why do we think that pushing someone else down will pull us up. In reality it just sinks you down further, which causes you to pull others down more, which sinks you further, etc. It’s a vicious cycle, and it’s certainly not a good way to live. I for one feel significantly worse at the end of the day when McJudgerson has held sway in my head space for most of the day.

I just finished reading, The Gospel According to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal – which is a fantastic book by the way – and one of the chapters that stood out to me the most was the one in which a woman is being drug out of the city to be stoned and Joshua stops the guards, picks up a rock and says something to the effect of, “Let he who has not sinned, cast the first stone.” Now I’m not the least bit religious, which I’m sure is abundantly clear from the fact that I’m quoting Christopher Moore instead of the Bible, but there’s really something to be said for that sentiment. Who are we to judge others, and doesn’t that judgment really say more about ourselves than the person we’re judging? Maybe it’s our own actions that we should be examining before turning our eyes and thoughts onto someone else. It’s a work in progress.

Time to Pause

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I saw a spider this morning while washing the dishes.

I had my shoe half off when something made me pause.
Some force, some hesitation. I took the time to pause.
Within that pause I saw something that I had never taken the time to see before.
That spider wasn’t invading my home,
He was making one of his own.
Nimbly he swung from one surface to the next.
His silvery, oh so faint, thread swaying in the breeze like a road map of sorts.
Each thread showing where he’d been and where he’d arrived
Until there were so many, that here and there became indistinguishable,
And all merely existed for the one common goal and destination.
To live.
To exist.
To have a place where you belong.
A place called home.
I slipped my shoe back on and returned to my chore,
Only this time I felt the warmth of the water,
The slip of the soap,
The edge of the knife with it’s brilliant point.
I took the time to pause.

Spider-web-1

Little Sister – 1, Big Sister – 0

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When I was younger I always assumed that I would eventually grow out of torturing my older sister. Stop pressing her buttons and annoying her simply for the pleasure of getting a rise out of her. You know maturity and all that. Thank goodness I was wrong, because let’s be honest, being a pain in her ass is one of my favorite past times! I think I will forever enjoy holding my finger an inch away from her and saying, “Not touching, can’t get mad.” True, I get elbowed every time I do it, but it’s worth it! Especially since now that I’m five inches taller than her, the elbow lands in my stomach instead of the ribs. Huge improvement! Recently I put a picture of the two of us up on Facebook which presented a lovely opportunity to drive her nuts, and since the exchange occurred over text messaging I can now share my mirth with you. So with out further ado, I present to you:

The Torture of Jen

Jen: What picture did you post of the two of us today?
Kat: You realize you could just go onto Facebook and look?
J: That’s so difficult when I can just ask you to send it to me. 🙂
K: Now why would I send it to you when instead I can tease you about having it and you not knowing which photo it is?
J: Cause you’re not a bitch.
K: I’m fairly certain that I’ve lost track of how many times you personally have called me a bitch. You’re argument is invalid.
J: I was hoping you’ve changed for the positive. Once again you dash my hopes.
K: Hey, change is scary. I don’t like to upset people.
J: 🙂 The real reason you should send it is because if you don’t I might actually go on Facebook and that’s not tease worthy.
K: But then you could catch up on all the fun memes I send you!
J: No
K:Then what’s the point in sending them?!?!
J: Because someday I will and then laugh historically for hours till I cry.
K: Well that day could be today!
J: No
K: And by the by, how does one laugh “historically?” Do you have to wear one of those powdered wigs while doing it?
J: Damn auto correct on the phone.
K: I bet you could laugh historically though. Set up some candles in a nice tableau. A couple of old timey costumes, then probably an overly formal polite laugh. That could be laughing historically. Or maybe just laughing at things in history. Maybe that’s laughing historically?
J: 🙂 You certainly seem busy at work today.
K: Swamped, how could you tell?
J: I just got a feeling.
. . .
J: Send the damn picture.
K: But I’m busy.
J: Lol.
K: Maybe I’d have time to send it if you stopped texting me.
. . .
K: Hello?
J: I was giving you the time you need to send the picture since you can’t read and send a text at the same time.
K: Oh! Well clearly that didn’t work since I was preoccupied thinking something had happened to you. So whatcha doin’ tonight?
J: No plans. You?
K: I have an article to write and an episode of Criminal Minds! 🙂 To watch. I’m watching Criminal Minds, not writing it.
J: 🙂 I figured that’s what you meant.
K: Well, just in case.
J: I assume if you get a job as a staff writer on a major TV show, I’ll hear about it pretty quick.
K: That’s a pretty safe bet.
J: Picture.
K: What picture?
J: You are a bitch.
K: See, there you go again!
J: You know you laughed.
K: Well that’s true, I did.
. . .
K: You realize that I sent the picture half an hour ago right?
J: You are a brat.
. . .
J: That’s a really good picture.

Jen and me

Yes, yes it is Jen. Now who’s sad that I’m not their little sister?

A Letter from Mom

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Dear Kat,

I know that you’re frustrated with yourself and feeling down. You haven’t been able to string together more than 4 days in a row of feeling well since before Thanksgiving. Because of this you’re falling behind on deadlines and don’t have time to spend on the things that you want to do because all of your extra time is spent sleeping. You’re sick and tired, both literally and figuratively. However, you’re still going, you’re still moving and you’re still getting things done. You have not given up.

Not only have you not given up, you’ve set up appointments with specialists, you’ve cleaned up your diet – what little was left to be cleaned up – you have explored every avenue that you can think of that could be causing the malaise. You have taken an active role in trying to feel better. You don’t yet, but you will. So give yourself a break.

dog-nap

Don’t begrudge yourself the nap, enjoy it. Realize that while goals are important, they are actually detrimental if looking at them causes large quantities of stress instead of inspiration or motivation. Realize that goals can and should be changed if they no longer fit your current life. Maybe instead of beating yourself up over not being able to accomplish 3-4 workouts a week, you change your goal to 3-4 meditations a week and use that time to center and find peace. Peace is more important than toned abs.

Do what you need to do for yourself and forgive yourself of everything that falls by the wayside. Things that fall are not lost, they can be picked up and carried once more when you regain your strength. Forgive what you perceive to be short-comings. Forgive what you perceive to be weaknesses. Forgive that you are not perfect. No one is and trying to live to that standard is as futile as Sisyphus and his rock. Forgive yourself and focus on what is good.

Focus on what you have been able to accomplish thus far. Focus on what you will accomplish, in good time. Focus on all of the people that love you. Forgive yourself and focus on what is good.

Forgive yourself and focus on what is good. If you can do that, then all will be well.

Love,

Mom (Okay, not really from my mom, but what I hope she’d say right now.)

The Queen of Sophistry

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I had a little mini panic attack yesterday because it occurred to me that my car registration expires in either March or April, but I couldn’t remember which one. If March, then I’ve been driving around on borrowed time. A frickin’ parking ticket in this city starts at $60. I can’t imagine what an expired registration ticket costs. So as soon as I got home I raced to my desk, dug through the “Important, Don’t Lose this Shit” pile and pulled out my shiny new registration sticker. I breathed a sigh of relief – April. I also silently called myself a dumbass because it occurred to me that I could have simply looked at the back plate of my car instead of stressing until I got home. Live and learn . . . and stop calling yourself a dumbass, dumbass. Damnit!

Sophistry Quote

Now I know what you’re thinking. If I already had the sticker, why hadn’t I put it on my car already? Well that’s simple. I paid for my registration back in February, when I got my tax refund, but it doesn’t expire until April. Therefore, by putting the new sticker on in February I would be cheating myself out of two months that I paid for on my old sticker. What kind of sense does that make?!? Truth be told it raised my hackles a bit when I put the new sticker on there today with 20 days left on the old sticker. But since the rest of my month is really busy I was afraid that I’d forget and I figured that losing 20 days on my old sticker was cheaper than a ticket in May for expired registration.

Yes, I am well aware that this line of reasoning is absolutely asinine. If I truly followed this thinking to the letter I wouldn’t pay for my new registration until the end of April. However, I am waaaaaay too type A for that. In fact I’m pretty sure I’d be in a permanent flop sweat waiting for the new sticker to get in at the end of the month if I tried. So I pay for it in February which makes my head happy, and I put it on the car in April to stick it to the man! Okay that’s totally not sticking it to the man in any sense whatsoever, but it’s as close as I’m willing to get in this particular instance as I’m really not overly fond of parting with my money unnecessarily.

Unless of course it involves getting out of paying for parking. I can’t stand paying for parking. I will show up places 30 minutes early so that I have time to drive through every nearby neighborhood on the off chance that I can find free parking. I have boycotted places simply because there is no free parking anywhere nearby. I blame this on growing up in a tiny, backwater mountain town where a parking lot with painted spaces was considered fancy, and the only reason you had to pay for parking was if you ran over somebody’s beer and had to go buy them a new one. Therefore, I would rather spend $5 at CVS on random junk/food to get my parking validated instead of paying $3 for parking.

parking

Again, I am well aware that this line of reasoning is absolutely asinine and true, that is more expensive, but it’s the principal of the thing! I would rather pay more for something tangible, than pay less for the privilege of having my car take up space for twenty minutes. Think about it. Paying for parking is essentially paying for the privilege of your car taking up space. That is asinine! Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go drive around for ten minutes trying to find another two-hour free parking spot.

Everybody Poops . . .

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For all those that know me, I’m sure you’re surprised that this hasn’t come up before. Well the wait is over, because here it is: a blog about poop. So if that is the sort of thing that upsets your delicate sensibilities – my sister – I suggest that you skip over this post and read some of the poetry below. I promise, they are poop free. For all the rest, forge on my friends.

Cat on Toilet

I just finished a cleanse (or a flush, or a detox, or whatever you crazy kids are calling it now a days). I didn’t do this to lose weight, or because it’s a great fad or anything like that.  I did it, because after being on and off again sick for four months a malaise seemed to have settled over my body and I felt like I was just full of gunk that would not, could not go away. Therefore, flush it out! I’ve never done this before because I have three diseases/disorders of the digestive track. So to say that I have a sensitive tummy is the understatement of the year! So I tend to avoid anything and everything that puts undo stress on my already precarious digestive system. But I was at the end of my rope and was willing to try anything to lift this fog that I had been living under so I threw caution to the wind and gave it a try.

For the first few days I thought that I was going to die! Holy crap did I feel horrible! It was like I had a little mini flu that I’d given to myself. I didn’t feel better, I felt much, MUCH worse. But the instructions said that that might happen, so lord knows why, I kept going. Probably because I was too weak and delirious to do anything else. Then on about the fourth day, something magical happened. I took the biggest dump that I have ever taken in my entire life. It was epic. It was more satisfying than some of the sex that I’ve had – which seriously calls into question some of my life choices, but that’s a conundrum for another day. After that, I felt better and finished out the cleanse . . . and did lots more pooping.

That’s when I deduced that cleanse/flush/detox all mean “poop until your insides are on the outside” in Latin. Trust me on this, I looked it up.* I mean seriously, this is definitely the part of cleanses that they DO NOT advertise about. I can understand why, but a little warning would have been nice! Or at least the advice to stick Tolstoy’s War and Peace in the bathroom. I’m pretty sure I could have busted through that tome.

The one thing that I can’t quite wrap my head around though, is that people do these all of the time. I know someone who “cleanses” twice a year. Good grief! Don’t get me wrong, I felt better afterwards and the fog has cleared, but that is not something that I want to do again anytime soon. So here is the question to all of my “cleanse” friends – Is this really what cleansing is all about, and if so why do you like it so much? Maybe you all appreciate a good poop more than I do.

 

*Definitely didn’t look it up.

She

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With a screaming shriek she prances scantily clothed among the dark bone chilling mounds of white

Gleefully she sprays armfuls of the tiny crystals into the thick foreboding night
Intoxicated with joy she collapses to the hardened ground emitting a truly orgasmic melody issuing forth from the very depths of her soul
No more starving and pining by the phone
No more analyzing every word, every gesture, every silence for meaning that was never there
A rebirth has occurred that has both set her free and imprisoned her for eternity
She is complete without him

She can never be complete with him

Snowy Night

Top Ten Ways to Mess with a Blind Person . . .

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. . . or the innocent things that you do that actually make their life harder. For the past couple of years I have worked in close proximity to someone who is blind. Having grown up with a disabled mother in a wheelchair I am sensitive to the fact that many people with disabilities would prefer to go through life being seen as a person, not as a disability. I want to say all, but as I have not spoken to all and do not deign to speak for them unduly, I will stick with many. I personally  have very strict dietary restrictions, and while I definitely appreciate it when restaurants take note of this and take special care to make sure that my food is prepared correctly, I HATE it when a restaurant makes a huge deal about it. I’ve actually had servers make such a big deal by bringing the manager and chef over that it not only absorbed the attention of my table, but the entire restaurant. Then for the rest of the meal both the server and manager checked back in with me multiple times, stopping the conversation of my table every time they did, at one point even moving a bread basket to the other side of the table so it wasn’t too close. I was no longer a person, I was my allergies. Not cool. I doubt very seriously that this pet peeve is singular to me, and unlike others the only way that people know of my shortcomings is if I tell them. By keeping my mouth shut I can pass as any other person, you know the ones that can go to a buffet without breaking out in a cold sweat because of the possibility of cross contamination.

I don’t know why, but lately this has been at the forefront of my thoughts. So I decided to share some of my observations about people’s innocent, yet ridiculous behaviors around a blind person.

1.      Verbally introducing yourself than taking a step to the right or left. I know that I’ve done this myself. You’re still entering a room and there’s someone behind you, so you introduce yourself and then move aside for the person behind you. This is all fine and dandy unless the person you’re meeting is blind. They have to rely on the sound of your voice to find you, so if you speak and then move they will approach empty space with their hand out to shake yours. Which brings me to . . .
2.      Leaving them hanging when they go to shake your hand but are off by a bit. WTF?!? I have actually seen people get embarrassed by this . . . the person who can see! I don’t get why this is embarrassing. Take their hand and shake it. Trust me when I say it’s not the first time they’ve missed and it won’t be the last. It’s only a big deal if you make it one.
3.      Opening the door for them, but only part way. Unless you enjoy other people’s pain, open the door all the way! They can’t see how far it’s open, so chances are they will walk right into the door instead of the narrow opening that you left for them.
4.      Unless they’ve asked you to, don’t open a jar of lotion or container of food before handing it to them. Let them open it so that they know which end needs to be up. It will save a lot of spills.
5.      Setting things down on the floor or in a walkway and then walking away from it, even if only for a minute. I’ve tripped over unexpected things on the floor and I have full use of my eyes. Murphy’s Law – if you leave something there for a minute, that will be the exact minute that the person will walk down the hall.
6.      Serving them a hot beverage with the handle at an awkward angle to them. Okay, as long as they know it’s there, this one they can figure out without a problem. It’s just nicer to set it up so they don’t have to grope around a scalding hot mug around to get to the handle.
7.      Assuming that they want your help and grabbing on to them to show them the right direction. I will never understand this one. Are you helping them, or taking them hostage? Never assume that they need the help. If they ask for it, let THEM take your arm or shoulder.

blind person
8.        Talking louder – unless they’re also partially deaf, this just makes you sound like an idiot.Talking louder doesn’t help anything. Enunciating clearly does since they don’t have the benefit of seeing your lips form the words, but good diction and volume have nothing to do with one another.
9.    Rearranging the furniture – again, unless you really enjoy other people’s pain, don’t rearrange a blind person’s furniture! Even by an inch or two! If it’s a space that they are in a lot, they have the lay out memorized and know exactly how many steps they need to go in which directions to get where ever they need to be. If you absolutely must move some of the furniture, tell them you’re doing it and then put it back exactly where you found it when you’re done. You would think that this is a no-brainer . . . it’s not.
10.    Treating them like a child/feeling sorry for them/babying them because they are blind. I’m guessing that you don’t like it when people do this to you. Being blind is simply part of this person’s reality, and hopefully they have found ways to keep living and functioning like normal. Your pity and condescension are not needed or appreciated. I’ve never actually had a blind person or someone with a disability tell me this, but it’s a personal pet peeve of mine.  I hated it when people would do this to my mother and then turn to me and treat me like an adult. From the look that she would get in her eyes, she hated it too. Again, I’m guessing that this one isn’t singular to me.

Okay, so these really aren’t ways to mess with a blind person, but it did get you to read the post!