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Author, Historian, Storyteller

A Letter from Mom

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Dear Kat,

I know that you’re frustrated with yourself and feeling down. You haven’t been able to string together more than 4 days in a row of feeling well since before Thanksgiving. Because of this you’re falling behind on deadlines and don’t have time to spend on the things that you want to do because all of your extra time is spent sleeping. You’re sick and tired, both literally and figuratively. However, you’re still going, you’re still moving and you’re still getting things done. You have not given up.

Not only have you not given up, you’ve set up appointments with specialists, you’ve cleaned up your diet – what little was left to be cleaned up – you have explored every avenue that you can think of that could be causing the malaise. You have taken an active role in trying to feel better. You don’t yet, but you will. So give yourself a break.

dog-nap

Don’t begrudge yourself the nap, enjoy it. Realize that while goals are important, they are actually detrimental if looking at them causes large quantities of stress instead of inspiration or motivation. Realize that goals can and should be changed if they no longer fit your current life. Maybe instead of beating yourself up over not being able to accomplish 3-4 workouts a week, you change your goal to 3-4 meditations a week and use that time to center and find peace. Peace is more important than toned abs.

Do what you need to do for yourself and forgive yourself of everything that falls by the wayside. Things that fall are not lost, they can be picked up and carried once more when you regain your strength. Forgive what you perceive to be short-comings. Forgive what you perceive to be weaknesses. Forgive that you are not perfect. No one is and trying to live to that standard is as futile as Sisyphus and his rock. Forgive yourself and focus on what is good.

Focus on what you have been able to accomplish thus far. Focus on what you will accomplish, in good time. Focus on all of the people that love you. Forgive yourself and focus on what is good.

Forgive yourself and focus on what is good. If you can do that, then all will be well.

Love,

Mom (Okay, not really from my mom, but what I hope she’d say right now.)

Burning the Candle

, , , , Life, Live and Learn, MothersView all 3 comments

My dad always used to observe that I was happiest when I was going Mach 5 with my hair on fire, and then in the next sentence he’d warn me not to burn the candle at both ends.  He was right, and it was a valid warning.  Not one that I’ve ever been able to take to heart, but valid nevertheless.  Lately, I feel like I have not only been burning the candle at both ends, but that I have cut it in half so that I have access to two additional wicks.  Oddly enough, this was completely intentional.  The beginning of the year is always very hard for me.  Toward the end of my mother’s life, my father signed her DNR and the doctors gave her a week to live.  This was at the end of November.  The doctors were wrong.  She didn’t die until February 8th.  We’ve all heard stories of loved ones hanging on for one more holiday, or birthday, etc, so it didn’t seem that odd that she lasted until Christmas.  But when the new year hit, and she was still hanging on, an anxious dread descended. Every time my phone rang I expected it to be the call – “Pick up your sister and come home. Mom just died.”  But January came and went and there was no call.  I was a ball of nerves.  Always on edge, not sleeping, doing anything to occupy my mind with something, anything else.

I had plans to go home on the 8th.  That morning my dad called to ask me to pick up some dog food before heading up the mountain to get home.  I said okay, hung up and hopped in the shower.  I was picking out clothes when my phone rang again, and for the first time in over a month I didn’t jump.  It was dad, but I assumed that he needed me to pick up something else.  I was wrong.  “Pick up your sister.  Mom just died.  Oh, don’t forget the dog food.”  She died while I was in the shower.  I will remember that shower for the rest of my life.  It was in that shower that the dread and tension finally released from my body.  Whether that was because I knew that I was heading home when I got out, or if someone how my body instinctively knew that it was all over, I have no idea.  But after that shower I was relaxed for the first time all year, until that call.  Then I was just numb.

Every year since then, I spend the month of January as a ball of nerves.  My body’s yearly vigil of grief. By the time that February rolls around, I have to consciously remind myself to relax my shoulders from their permanent position up around my ears. I usually try to take it easy at the beginning of the year and do things for myself.  It never works.  I’m a ball of nerves through Valentine’s Day.  This year was different.  If I’m happiest going Mach 5 with my hair on fire, then why in the world should I slow down during my hardest time of the year? So this year I over-scheduled myself.  I not only cut the candle in half, I borrowed a couple of extra candles and burned those too.  And it sort of worked.  Did my shoulders still take up residence around my ears? Yep.  Was I still a ball of nerves? Yep.  But I actually got things done – I fell behind on stuff because of my over scheduling, my blog for one, but I got a lot done.  My dad is right.  I’m happiest when I’m getting things done.  Starting tomorrow I’ll be able to breathe again, because the anniversary of her funeral will have passed and all of those years ago it was finally at her funeral that I truly cried and grieved for my loss.  It’s my yearly gauntlet and it’s almost over.  Tonight I burn the last candle.  Until next year.

Candle